SPEAKER_02 0:04

That wasn't the plan.

SPEAKER_00 0:10

Good day, Courtney Holland. Good day, Emily White. So nice to see you on this lovely Sunday.

SPEAKER_02 0:17

Nice to see you too, my friend. And thank you to all of our viewers and listeners out there for tuning in to That Wasn't the Plan.

SPEAKER_00 0:26

Thank you very much.

SPEAKER_02 0:28

We have a wonderful friend with us today. Her name is Becky Smith. Hello, Becky. Hi. We have come together today. We are calling this segment Sunday brunch because sometimes you need some friends to get together with and talk about an issue that you all are going through at the same time. And it's not really an issue. It's just a matter-of-fact bit of life that we are all Gen Xers and we are fortunate enough to have our parents still with us. And we are taking care of those parents and the trials and tribulations that come along with all of that.

SPEAKER_01 1:12

So yeah, look at those faces. I thought we were talking about I thought this was about the porn addiction that we all have. Is this not too that can come in later episode?

SPEAKER_04 1:24

Well, Courtney, I'll send you a picture that I found in my dad's apples. Which sounds really bad, but it was just a a book about all people in sex. Well, say it.

SPEAKER_05 1:36

Tell us what the book title is.

SPEAKER_00 1:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 1:38

Oh, breathtaking sex at any age. Breathtaking? Breathtaking sex at any age. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:48

So sim around that one, Courtney. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Any age.

SPEAKER_00 1:53

Well, I like it.

SPEAKER_02 1:55

Yeah. I mean, at a certain point you don't want it to take your breath away and be the last time.

SPEAKER_01 2:00

Oh shit. Breathtaking. That's like how you want to die. That's what that book sounds like.

SPEAKER_02 2:06

I mean, yeah. Sex with death. Maybe, maybe. Sex with death. I was envisioning death as like death anthropomorphic. Yeah. Death being death. Okay. The guy's like it.

SPEAKER_01 2:21

Anyway, that went dark fast. Sorry. I came in with the porn addiction and I just revealed us because you did. You did. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 2:29

Here we are. So here we are.

SPEAKER_01 2:32

And now I'm coming in with chlamydia.

SPEAKER_03 2:37

Well, I see where this porn addiction got you. I know. Back to the doctor and on antibiotics.

SPEAKER_01 2:45

Now, real quick, is chlamydia the one that they called the clap? I think so.

SPEAKER_04 2:49

I don't know enough about my STDs to tell you what their nicknames are.

SPEAKER_01 2:54

All you know is you got them, and they are a pain in the vagina.

SPEAKER_03 2:58

Ding ding dong. Oh my god, I love this.

SPEAKER_02 3:03

I actually do wish I had a Bloody Mary on me right now because that would make this throwing tea again. I know I'm just drinking my green juice.

SPEAKER_01 3:13

Okay, so yeah, you're drinking green juice. What are you drinking, Becky? Oh, I've got tea and water. Oh. So, you know, going nuts over here. You're wild. Cool it. I hope you're not driving. I'm drinking coconut water out of a can. I'll kick us off here.

SPEAKER_02 3:30

Yeah. Hi, Dad. I wanted to say hi, George, real quick. George. He watched it. George. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 3:38

Yeah, yeah. About the chlamydia comment and adult porn addiction. My bad.

SPEAKER_02 3:44

George watches us on YouTube.

SPEAKER_04 3:46

Um, everyone will watch you on YouTube.

SPEAKER_02 3:50

Yeah, yeah. So he gets on YouTube and he flips around and then he joins our conversation from time to time, and occasionally he'll comment, which is wonderful. We love comments, how to improve and everything. So I just wanted to say hi, George. And George, yeah, I'm fortunate to have you still in my life. Same with my mom, Jan.

SPEAKER_03 4:07

But my mom's in your life too, in my life too. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 4:11

Yeah. Um, but my mom has been unwell, I will say, for about six years now. Um, she tripped our actually, she fell backwards. She went out for a walk one morning. She came home and she, yes, we all do, throw your leg up on the kitchen counter to stretch it out. And she fell back and smashed her head into the tile floor and gave herself a pretty bad concussion. And she has not been able to really bounce back from that, unfortunately. So, you know, my dad has been taking care of her, but I'm one of three children. I don't live in Colorado where they're at. My other two siblings live there. They're not that close, um, distance-wise. My brother's not able to help that much, and you know, everyone has full lives jobs, kids, that sort of thing. So it's been pretty much falls on my dad. And then every now and then we try and helping this and that, but it comes a point where, sorry, dad, I am very frustrated having to try and give advice, set up appointments with doctors across the country to try and help my mom. And it doesn't seem that she wants to help herself. And Becky's going through the exact same thing right now, and it's the same thing. It makes me really sad that um the 70 plus years that she's been fortunate to be here on this planet, that I feel like she's given up. And as a child, I try and help. I think I'm helping by giving her good advice, things that I've spent hours and days and weeks researching that will try and help her re-engage in life and she doesn't want to do it. And then she she starts to do it and then she falls back off, or she doesn't doesn't want to continue. And it's hard. So, how do we get through to our parents? How can we help them?

SPEAKER_04 6:05

Yeah, that is it is so similar. Um, so my mom is a feisty 82-year-old, um, a very independent woman. She is the oldest of six siblings. Her mom died when she was young, so she's like caretaker, caretaker, caretaker. Oh, yeah. And um, like switching that role for her is like impossible. It's impossible. She can't take care of herself. Right. Right. But she doesn't want anyone else to take care of her. So it's really, I think that is the crux of it, Emily, is like what when our roles start switching, and when we like, do we actually want that? And then they definitely don't want that. And you know, but who's who else is gonna do it? Yeah, right. Like, who else is in this is us? Um, and it is our role, and I love my mom so much that I do want to do it and I do want to be helpful and want to see her live and not in a you know place where she's miserable. Um, but sometimes this process is um bit challenging. It is well, and I the last time that I I flew home to help take care of my mom, I was I was sitting on the airplane and I was like, Oh my gosh, I just want uh someone to parent me right now. Like I want um someone to like, okay, this is these are the next steps. I love you, have like you know, and I was like, but that's like that's not her role anymore. Is yeah, is I mean, she's definitely still my parent, she's still my mom, but it's it's a really different dynamic that we have where I was like, I just need someone. Emily's um parents stepped in a little bit for that, so I was very grateful for them. Thank you, George.

SPEAKER_01 7:48

Oh hell yeah, George. That well, and I read this morning, I was reading just stuff. Um, and I forget what website I was on, but it talks about the important one of the important things is to mourn the loss before they've actually to mourn the loss of the the role changing and to allow yourself to be sad about that because it's sad and it's hard.

SPEAKER_06 8:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 8:13

Um, but to acknowledge it, give yourself some some space. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 8:18

That's really interesting that I like thinking about that dynamic of grieving, um or grieving that dynamic. That's a really interesting thought that I hadn't really grasped until I said it out loud.

SPEAKER_01 8:32

Right. Well, and just having the words for it can sometimes I think be helpful um in in those respects. Cause man, like my dad, every single person in his family has passed away. Um, so he said he felt like an orphan. And it was so I've heard it said more than once that people, when they've lost their parents, they feel like an orphan.

SPEAKER_04 8:52

Like they feel no matter what age.

SPEAKER_01 8:54

Yeah. Right. No matter what age. Like you just feel like that's where you lean on your friendships and your partners and you know, and yourself.

SPEAKER_00 9:04

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_01 9:05

If you you know, if you can, but most most important is to reach out, and also you can find support groups. Like that is I have ever since I got into recovery and I have support a support group to go to anywhere in the world, anywhere I'm visiting, I can go to a support group and and just talk and kind of lay my problems on the table. And that that's just basically it's just groups of people getting together talking about something that's heavy for them and being in a space where people totally get it. So that's that's really interesting.

SPEAKER_04 9:37

I hadn't thought about that um as a as a uh resource for me personally.

SPEAKER_02 9:44

So I wonder if there are any support groups out there, just absolutely for people that just need a group to talk to about anything or like Gen X support groups, or you can find any.

SPEAKER_03 9:58

We should research this and then put paste them all on your YouTube.

SPEAKER_01 10:02

I tell you, I've found them all. Oh, there's yeah, there every single one that's ever been created, I know about them. So I got to I went to a support group to help find support groups, and you know, then I found all the support groups. But um with Zoom, you know, one of the silver linings of the pandemic was that we became online. Like Zoom was so you can zoom any meeting. I could go to an AA meeting in New Zealand. Like that's how incredible. So you can you can find any kind of support group you're looking for. You can type in looking for a support group and it'll list. Is this the support group late? What about this one? This one, this one, that one women's support. Yeah. So caregiving support.

SPEAKER_00 10:49

Oh, yeah. Okay.

SPEAKER_02 10:51

But yeah, that's a good idea just to Google it because there are definitely days when I want to talk to somebody and well, who do I talk to? I can call Becky, but then we just Yeah, I guess we do support each other, but it's also nice to have like somebody else to talk to.

SPEAKER_04 11:08

This was something that I had been have been thinking about so much because like telling the story of our last like four months of my caring for my mom and my sister, I have like relied on these groups groups of people. Like this community has come together, but like, oh my gosh, they must be kind of like tired of me, like being like, and once again, I'm back in Colorado or I'm doing this again. And I, you know, you feel like this kind of this burden to your relationships when you're and you know, I know like my friendships are real, like they're not, they don't feel burdens, but you know, after a while, you're just like, I need somebody else to hear this again and again after I feel like I'm having the same complaint over and over and over with the same people.

SPEAKER_02 11:53

And they're like, and I'm wondering, I'm like, when are these friends not or not gonna respond to me anymore? Because they're like, that bitch always complains about the same fucking thing.

SPEAKER_05 12:01

Like, hi, so yeah, once again, I'm dealing with my mom. How are you all?

SPEAKER_01 12:07

Yeah, right? Well, shared pain uh is pain lessened. When you share it, you lessen the pain for yourself. And I bet you both have friendships where you listen to others, right?

SPEAKER_06 12:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 12:20

Well, because that's a friendship.

SPEAKER_04 12:21

Yeah, that's for certain. And like, you know, if we were around a big table and actually having brunch right now, we'd all be like Well, we are, so pretend that we are.

SPEAKER_02 12:31

Right, right. Well, in that case, I was gonna be topless for our brunch, so I just do it, bring it. Don't care. I was actually gonna show up in my bathrobe and air all messy with that. You could never do that, Em. You know, I think I could I probably could, but I would actually love to show up to a brunch restaurant in my bathrobe and just being like, bloody Mary. Yeah, hit me hard. Bring it. And a bagel, please. A bagel, please.

SPEAKER_03 13:01

Like eggs.

SPEAKER_02 13:03

No, oh man, I love a good bagel with some cream cheese. Oh, yeah. So good. Do you do locks? Are you a locks person? You know, so here's the thing. I am really very picky about my smoked salmon. Um Becky's husband makes some of the best smoked salmon I've ever had in my life. Yes, you've met her husband, Lucas. Oh, yeah, he was on our podcast. Oh, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_06 13:25

Wow! Connection.

SPEAKER_02 13:30

Okay. I love smoked fish. I'm not a particular fan of lox because it's not smoked, it's cured. It's the grove lox usually. It's the texture, it's much thinner. I like the chunky smoked fish. So if you got chunks of smoked fish for me, yes, but not the thin loxy that's kind of it's not very firm. It's soft, it's like a bed sheet. Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 13:56

Yeah, well, I I like it too.

SPEAKER_01 13:57

I will eat any type of I don't like smoked salmon, it's too much salty. I I feel like it's in the same breath of like olives. I can't do olives.

SPEAKER_03 14:06

Oh, but I love olives. I'm I like salty.

SPEAKER_04 14:10

Well, you're you're gonna eat the French toast for brunch. Yes. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 14:15

Yeah. There's a place near here that does a pancake club where it's a pancake on both ends. Avocado, gruyere cheese, sausage, bacon, eggs. Ladies, hmm. I'll eat the whole thing. You both have your mouths open.

SPEAKER_03 14:30

We're just like it looks like we're taking a trip. Yeah. We're gonna have to do like that. That wasn't the plan live isn't sometime here. No.

SPEAKER_02 14:42

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_03 14:43

It's so good.

SPEAKER_00 14:44

It's so bad.

SPEAKER_02 14:46

Courtney woke up the other morning uh to her father-in-law running down the street.

SPEAKER_01 14:52

Yes. Oh so um, my folks both are still doing their thing. Um, my dad has had some health issues, but they're, you know, they're they're keeping it real. My husband, very sadly, we lost uh his mom on Mother's Day last year. Um their dad was her caretaker. And since that happened, there's been a pretty swift decline. So he was living on his own. And oh, also to know there's 10 children, 10 siblings. So can you imagine? We're struggling, and there's 10 of us. Like, yeah, you know, including me, and I'm 11. So um, so yeah, so we've I mean, it just seemed like the right thing to do. It we have the space, and we had a bunch of boys living here, some have moved out, so we still have the youngest boy, and um, so we had him come move in with us, and that happened a couple like maybe a month ago. And honestly, it's been a blessing. Like, he has I I he's just lovely. I mean, I I also shared a bathroom with two of the giant boys' uh sons, so and now I have my own bathroom, so I'm like, let everybody live here. I have a room, I'm fine. Um and I like cooking food for him. I like finding out what his favorite treats are so I can make brownies. I I mean, these are things everybody told you, right? Well, and it's so it's been it's been really cool. The problem that's arising now is he needs to be watched. He needs to be someone needs to be aware of him at all times. Long story short, we had, and this was the first time this has happened because he's got um Louis body, dementia, and Parkinson's. Um yeah, he's getting whammy, but he's still he's he's quick, he moves quick, and he's just a sweetheart. So the other morning um we woke up to him yelling, and he was really confused. And John was trying to kind of get him to calm down, and it ended up with him in the front yard. It was like six in the morning, and he was screaming for help, and he was screaming for help and saying, This is not a joke. I'm like, so um I know I was like, he was including like he's like, This is serious, like someone needs to help me. Um, and we weren't really sure what he was running from. We don't think he recognized us. And of course, I just have to include my my husband was out there in his panties, his tiny little big boy panties, and it just cracked me up later. Um, and his caregiver is actually his grand, one of his granddaughters. She comes, she spends Monday through Friday with him all day. She's phenomenal. Wow. Unbelievable. She's 20. She is just beyond wise, like just such a such a wonderful gal. Um, so I get to sp I've I've gotten to spend a lot more time with family members um because of this. So anyhow, he did, he got outside. We didn't, we we were like, well, what do we do? Because we were able to calm him down. Another sister came over and kind of like reconnected him, and so it did calm down, but that we were like, oh boy, like what what do you do? Um, because if we John obviously could restrain him, but we don't want him hurting himself. Um and that's you know, what what's also concerning is that no one came to help, and that bothers me. Nobody. I don't think they could hear him. Um he was yelling for him, but I don't think it was super loud. Okay, but um yeah, and we've got lovely neighbors, and I think they know that he's with us now. Um they do now. Yeah, they do now. Um uh so Corillion Clinic. I is there a Corillion where you guys are? Is that like a national I don't know. I don't know either. Okay. So this Carillion Clinic has a home care that takes uh Medicare and Medicaid, um, which is interesting. The difference between Medicare and Medicaid, Medicare cares about what your age is, and that means the older you are, you get Medicare. Medicaid cares cares about what you get paid, Medicaid paid because you lower income. I didn't know those.

SPEAKER_04 18:59

So disability or yes, oh you know, yeah. So I had no idea.

SPEAKER_01 19:06

Oh, girl, oh man, I got questions for you. Bro, no, um, but they this program they sent over a woman to speak with us last week. This was like before this happened, and she was so wonderful. And she talked with him, she talked with us, asked him questions, kind of to see where he is with his awareness. Like he knows who he is, he knows what day it is, he knows like where he is, but there are times where he doesn't know who we are and he gets confused, and um, and that's so scary. Um, so she told us, call 911 and then immediately call her, and she will have a care team at the hospital for him when he gets so we wouldn't have to go through like we've um if anyone's experienced someone going through a psychosis, you have to take them to the hospital, you have to sit in the waiting room, and if they're psychotic, it's pretty awful. A lot of times they'll usher them in if they're really psychotic, through my experience. So that was a relief. They're just wonderful. They gave us these great packets. So yeah, that that was our experience. How's he today? Today it's been rough. Um, he was a little confused. Um, you know, it's hard because it's there, but then he comes back and then you know, and it's fine, right? So Jonathan and I had uh kind of a come to Jesus talk this morning because we do need help on the weekends, like when it's just we don't have anybody coming in to be with him. And so we we've reached out to the family and we're gonna ask that people take a couple hours on Saturdays and Sundays, plus it's good for him, it's good for his brain. He it doesn't do well when he's just with us the whole time because then he starts thinking we're yeah, you know, I mean he shares my stuff. Yeah, yeah. Well, and bless his heart, it was just me and him earlier. And I just I'm always aware where he is. I kind of sit out in the office and I I work and stuff and and work. I look at computers, but um I I couldn't, I didn't hear him, so I went into the kitchen and there's like a like a b wall in between there and the the kitchen table. So then I just slowly poked my head around and we locked eyes. He's sitting at the table, and I was just like, Hey. Like I would think I would be in the yard asking for someone help because I just and I was like, Oh hey! I tried to make it like not weird, but the fact that I was just like like it just was creepy. I'm creepy. I get it. Who the hell are you guys? Exactly. And like, plus I'm not, you know, blood family.

SPEAKER_02 21:36

How are you holding up after a month of this? I'm curious, like this is totally new for you.

SPEAKER_01 21:42

It is new. I feel purposeful, like it feels um I mean, I I've I feel like my life has a purpose and I'm moving about and doing things, but this requires me to be out in the house and like be present out there and and And to do it for, you know, a lot of the the sisters and brothers, they've got kids, they're raising kids, like, so it's it's so helpful for them. And like I mean, Jonathan went and painted my parents' house for no good reason um cut like two months ago, brought his guys up there unsolicited. And I mean, I I would do anything for this man. I would do anything for this family. Yeah. I love his family. They're just unbelievable. And so it it it's fun to be a part of and it's a but it is um it is it's hard because he does need to be watched all the time. Like just be aware of where he is. And it's just easier for me to be with it than me doing this with my own dad. You know, it would be hard, especially if he gets mean, which no offense, dad, but you can be kind of mean. But he um, you know, so and I'm gonna tell my dad, I'm like, oh my god, Jonathan's dad is so nice to me. He is so nice to me, dad. You wouldn't believe he likes me, he thinks I'm neat. Um uh but my dad does too. I was just joking. But um, yeah, I think my uh what I'm learning from this is um to be in it when if my you know, if and when my parents start to decline, be in it, be with it, but be with it every day. Because if you get space from it, then it becomes so sad. And you're a lot of them come in here and they'll just get emotional, like they can't sit with him. So but if you break through that and then you can go past the emotional part of it, then it's like you can be of service to your parent that has you know done all the things for you. So so that's what I'm taking away from from this. And I you know, I just I think about families that don't have 10 siblings, and everybody's Becky's hair.

SPEAKER_04 23:56

Are you single? I'm I'm not, so it it's it's actually a lot more complicated. Yeah. Oh my mom is a primary caregiver to my sister who has a significant disability. And so it's really complicated. So I have kind of these two separate people that I'm taking care of that are actually melded into one really big, codependent thing. So I I am the only one um doing that, and it is, but it is, I I appreciate what you were just saying about that separation about um of putting yourself into this place where you can be really um, I don't know, almost like uh compassionate without um grief. Yes. I I think about like my relationships with the people that are helping me. Um my husband is amazing and he's like the you know, he's but he does have this separation where we we call him the project manager because he's like he's like okay, let's think about this logically and not like emotionally, like not just emotionally. I mean, right have that the same way that Courtney is like, let's think about like what what does your dad actually need? What do we need? Right. You think about that, and you're thinking, how is this helping all of us? And it's just like like that. I think these like not just your aging parents are not just like these single relationships you have, but these like I don't know, like um interwoven of communities of of people who are you know there for you and you know that does affect it, right? Because it's like, oh, you know, my when my husband's parents are gonna be in the same situation, like what is my role gonna be? Right. And what is, you know, like what is Jonathan's role is gonna be for you when your parents are right? It's like okay, oh yeah, yeah. You know, you can't sometimes you can't step right into that.

SPEAKER_01 25:52

But right. Well, and I love, I mean, my s if my parents, either of them needed it, we would have absolutely moved them in a long time ago. Yeah, like so yeah, that we're it's this house that we're really it's just a it's not a fancy fancy house, but it's got a lot of rooms. And it has two laundry rooms and two fridges. So that's all you need. Yeah, right. And a shit ton of towels. Yeah, so many towels. But it's also fun. I just never dreamed I would be like cooking's fun, laundry's fun. Like it is. For 30, 40, 41 years, I did it all on my own. Not all on my own, you know what I mean. Yeah. And I would never have dreamed that I would be like a little homemaker.

SPEAKER_04 26:37

Being the 11th of a caretaking team. Yeah, right.

SPEAKER_01 26:41

It's really like it's yeah, and the I just, yeah, I want I I treat him as though he's my my father, and the way I would want someone to treat my parents. Or, you know, you treat people the way you want to be treated, period. So Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 26:57

I have to remember that too. And also when I do go home to help take care of my mom, or this is something I'm working on, is treating her just like this beautiful human that she is, instead of this kind of sorry, sad burden sometimes, you know, when you kind of get annoyed that you're having to do the same repetitive step over and over and over because it's not clicking. They undid it, they were doing good, and then I left, and two weeks later she completely undid it again, and I was like, damn it, god damn it. So then I get frustrated and annoyed, and I'm like, but how would you be in that situation? Would you undo it? Sure. I have moments of clarity in my own life where I'm like, this is it, like this is the path I'm on, and I'm gonna do it, and then I do it for a few days or a week, and I feel really good, and then it's like something'll happen, and I'll tank, and I just won't be able to get back on that horse again. So I have to remember that. And like you were both were saying, come at it, come at her with in a place of compassion and remember what it was like so hard that you don't just want to shake them sometimes and just be like, what is wrong? Like why won't this stick? Um and just to also come at it with a place of light and joy as well, because I think that's the hard thing for it, and I'll say this for my mom at least, is she doesn't have that joy in her life that she was joy. Like her nickname when we were we went traveling through Europe, I don't know, about 10 years or so ago. One of our bed and breakfast hosts called. He he was like, She has a full battery, and she does, or she used to. I mean, that woman was on and she made friends with everybody. She started conversations. I remember one time she's a big walker and she walked the entire neighborhood where we live in in Colorado, knocking on our neighbors' doors, people that she didn't even know because she wanted Bronco tickets and she found them. Somebody was willing to sell her Bronco tickets, and it was just like that's who she was.

SPEAKER_05 29:03

And she's uh I know she's she's I mean, she was a she's a small business owner, she made it like super successful small bookstore. What's her name? Yeah, Jan Janice.

SPEAKER_01 29:12

Jan. Why I think it was Betty. Is anyone's mom here? Betty? Okay, I'd out of audio. I mean, our all of our moms.

SPEAKER_04 29:20

Betty Wayne. They're all of Betty. Oh, yeah. Betty. Yeah, yeah. Or feisty grandma, I think. Yeah. Oh, I love it.

SPEAKER_02 29:28

But yeah, that I need to kind of approach it with more of a let's not focus on the the issue, the illness, what she's going through, and just talk to her like a regular human. Like I would you guys or any other person that I might meet, and just be like, you know, tell me how your day is going, blah, blah, blah. Let's go do this, you know, instead of like, how are you feeling? That was the one.

SPEAKER_04 29:52

How are you today? Right.

SPEAKER_02 29:55

I got her signed up for this clinic in Cleveland, and she went out there for this concussion doctor, and he said, the one thing you don't ask them, don't ask, how are you doing today? That's question you're not asking them anymore. Because that gives them a chance to immediately go to the negative. Because lots of times when we someone asks us how we're doing, and maybe it's just me. I grew up kind of this way where I focus on the negative first. How are you doing? Ugh, well, you know, it's and then it's like, well, is anything okay? Well, sure. I mean, you know, it's just yeah.

SPEAKER_03 30:30

So life is actually really fine, except for this one thing that's just one.

SPEAKER_02 30:35

Like that's the that's the negative thing that I'm focusing on. And of course, I don't want to like talk about toxic positivity because that shit drives me crazy.

SPEAKER_06 30:45

Right.

SPEAKER_02 30:45

But also, you know, it's I need to remember that you know, if I do start with a negative, then I'm like, but that's not everything. Like, there's a whole new family of squirrels now in my front yard, which I'm totally big of. So giving me the picture for that.

SPEAKER_04 31:00

Oh my god. I think too, like what you said about uh relating to your mom in a like compassionate way or in a in a way because our our roles have switched a little bit, but like reminding, like as I age, I'm like, there are so many things that I don't do anymore that I did in my 20s and 30s. And and not like, you know, not talking about like, you know, like the the negative pieces of that, but you know, like going on these like you know, week-long backpacking trips. I don't do that anymore, right? My like my knees and my body doesn't like that. So I start thinking about like putting myself into the shoes of my mom and where she is like not able to do the things like her long walks and you know, going and she's very social. So having to be at home and not be right, like she is like she is extrovert, extrovert. Um that woman knows how to work a room, and having that, like having to like scale back so much, you know, okay, so like let me think about how is this affecting her in a way that I can be can think about it more empathetically rather than oh, this is my life now, like which is I still say that, but it's of course.

SPEAKER_02 32:18

But I think the one thing that especially upsets or gets me enraged a little bit, and Becky, you may be the same, is you put these systems in place to help them, and then they don't do it. And when I'm talking about systems, it's not just like, okay, go get your you know, 3,000 steps today because you need a little bit of you know movement. Yeah, it's it's doctors, it's facilities, it's caretakers, it's big things that you have spent hours and days putting into place. Where are you with that?

SPEAKER_04 32:52

Oh, that's yes, this is a huge thing. And um, so Courtney, my mom had a fall at my house um in June that let's let's tee it up for her. Tell her like right what was going on. Yeah, so my son's graduating from high school. My mom and so it's exciting. You know, I literally am the sandwich generation. Um, so he's graduating from high school. My mom and sister come to visit. Um, my mom and I have a full day, we have a good day together. So she takes a bad fall. Um, my sister like freaks out, things are bad. She's in the hospital for a few days here during up leading to graduation. Just like holy crap, now I'm supposed to be celebrating my my kid, my my only kid. Um, and so um And you've got family flown in from the oh yeah. We have we have, you know, my sister-in-law and brother-in-law are here. We're supposed to have um my cousins were coming. One cousin decided like, oh, this is a little much. Um we have like um my in-laws. It is it, you know, like it's not like we're like, hey, we're just gonna hang out here. Um she comes back out of the hospital and stays with us for a while. Um, so um, I then fly them back out and we put all this stuff into place where she lives in this big rambly house that has many, many steps. She's um a little unsteady on her feet anyway. She has been for a while. Um so she has, you know, two sets of stairs that she needs to like 13 stairs. Like it's just a big, rambly house. She needs to downsize, yeah. So I get to Colorado, we set everything in place. I'm like, we're great. We have caretaking teams, she has home health care coming, everything's good. And like within a week, she's like, I don't need that shit. I don't need it. I'm fine, I'm stable, I'm good. And seriously, a less than a month later, she takes a giant fall again. So yeah. Um, so right when you were doing what? So I guess we dropped our son off at college. Um on Sunday, we drive home on Sunday. Drop him off on Monday. I get the phone call from the neighbors. Like, your mom's been taken to hospital. So we're not sure what to do with your sister. Uh you call them like I'm like, oh shit.

SPEAKER_02 35:22

So I was like, Becky, your mom keeps shitting all over these major milestones that your son is going through.

SPEAKER_03 35:28

Leave my stay steady because I can't help my mom has to like stay where she is too.

SPEAKER_01 35:34

Oh my gosh. Maybe you get to skip over that painful part of him leaving. Right. No, it was like, we were talking about how it was like the best thing.

SPEAKER_04 35:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 35:43

Right.

SPEAKER_04 35:43

It's because I got super distracted and he didn't get the 14 phone calls of like, hey, how are you? Hey, how are you? What'd you eat for dinner? Yeah. Yeah, exactly. You were in clean side? No. Are you having making friends? Are you enjoying classes? No, none of those. We're like, sorry, kid, I'll talk to you in a week. Wow. But so much, Becky.

SPEAKER_01 36:04

Holy crap.

SPEAKER_04 36:05

It's it's it was so much. I like I can't even tell you what this like last month was like. It was, you know, and Emily is so right. Like that care coordination is exhausting. So, like trying to set things up, I, you know, I set up plans and things and like, oh my God, it's so exhausting for both of them, um, trying to get that settled. And, you know, I get it. My mom's super independent. She is feisty, she's um, and she is, but it's like, okay, like when can we like when can you like say yes instead of no all the time? Like, I don't need this person. I just I don't even know why I'm paying her. And it was like, I I do.

SPEAKER_02 36:49

Yeah, I know. I'm like, okay. Well, let me ask you this, Becky, and be honest, it's just Courtney and me. How are you holding up like that? Emotionally and like everything that's going on in your brain. Do you just want to scream?

SPEAKER_04 37:05

Yes. Um, yes. Um, so that that's a really good question that I probably should take up with a good therapist, but um as we all should. I think as we all should but um it and it and it's just been so fast, right? There's just like so much that goes on every day, and you know, I actually need to work a full-time job and you know, have a relationship and you know, all these things as well as all that. And so um I you know, I probably haven't touched on all of the emotions that are happening, but it is yeah, super frustrating. It's really sad. It's um it's really, it's really hard. And and it's and I think what's so interesting about it is like you have like the universe around you, and I hear it from everybody. You know, we're we're watching, you know, that show four seasons on Netflix, and yeah. So there's there's an episode that has uh like something very similar happening with an aging parent and like you know, younger, younger adults, and I'm like, this is in our life, and you know, somehow I have to figure out like so. Every time it comes up, I'm like, I don't have to be emotional about it now. Um, but at some point But you can be. Yeah, like you can cry. Oh, I've cried a lot.

SPEAKER_06 38:27

I've cried a lot.

SPEAKER_04 38:28

Yeah, it is it's hard. It's hard. And and I think, you know, uh one of the things that is um I think when you mourn that loss of like I should have done it earlier, Courtney, like you were saying, like that grief of of that potential loss of role in your family. So yes, I'm the daughter now, but now I'm like also a caregiver and like mourning that loss of of that relationship where you know I could call her up and be like, I really need some advice. Like now it's it's a little bit harder to do that, right? Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 39:09

And letting yourself feel it like I was extremely skilled at stuffing feelings and like not feeling stuff, not in regards to this, but um alcoholism and all of that, and just having depression and uh tendencies and all that. So it's neat um to have something happen and to cry immediately when it happens. Like that is so help so healthy for me to be like, oh, I'm feeling this right now, I'm not gonna deal with it later.

SPEAKER_04 39:41

Yeah. Yeah, I'm really good at compartmentalizing. Shove it down.

SPEAKER_05 39:46

Yeah, it's a little tiny bowl, and then it comes out in the most unopportune times.

SPEAKER_02 39:50

Yeah, my compartments are starting to ooze out right now. I'm not joking. Like I am feeling it everywhere. And I was telling a friend the other day I went and saw her, and I was like, Tori. I was like, I just feel like an empty shell of a person. Like, I don't know what's going on. I just can't seem to find the joy in my life anymore. I can't hold these conversations with friends anymore and just be I don't know what's going on. And like, but within me, like something is oozing and trying to explode. And because I think I've suppressed so much in the past five or six years that I didn't know how to deal with.

SPEAKER_05 40:28

You've had a little bit of things to that of the There's some things that you had happen.

SPEAKER_02 40:32

Cancer, I've had two dear friends. One of my best friends in the world died a few months ago from cancer. My other friend died six months after we were both diagnosed around the same time with cancer. And then we were that was like the tail end of COVID. I yeah. So I don't need to go into my my bullshit, but yes, it's um It ain't bullshit sister. So that's what this podcast is for. Sorry, everybody. I'm coming here. Thanks for coming to my therapy session.

SPEAKER_00 41:05

That's what it's about.

SPEAKER_04 41:07

But I feel like was our generation just taught to be like, get over it, kid. Yes, it was. Um, we did not have, we were just starting to like dip into that therapy piece as we were aging and getting older, not like aging now, but like as we were getting in in our youth. Um, but it still wasn't it wasn't a thing, at least from like growing up in Colorado. Like therapy was not a a thing. And like your emo tapping into your emotions wasn't a thing. Um, I think our our parents certainly didn't teach us that. Oh, for sure. Yeah. Um yeah. And so I think, you know, we're kind of struggling as a generation to kind of figure out what that looks like for us as we get older. And I see, you know, our young people and Courtney are around young people too, where they're like around them, yes. Tapped in though. They're they're they're like, this was traumatizing for me. And you're like, are you using that word correctly?

SPEAKER_01 42:08

Exactly. They've got all the words, but now everything is traumatizing.

SPEAKER_04 42:12

Yeah, and it's so discomfort is misery. No, right? It's like that was not a word for me that that's well, I yeah.

SPEAKER_02 42:21

And another thing that I've heard a young person say is stop peer pressuring me. And I was like, I was just fucking asking if you wanted to go do this. And I'm like, all right, what's going on with this younger generation? Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 42:32

Like, uh it's they have the language, but they're using it incorrectly. Just like aesthetic. I don't think they've been using aesthetic correctly. And it started when I first started hearing it, I was like, I don't know. And some of them probably are, but other that's so aesthetic. I'm like, I don't think that's how that word works, but they're changing the words for us.

SPEAKER_04 42:53

I do change.

SPEAKER_01 42:54

That's raw dogging it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 42:57

Becky, do tell Courtney real quick what your son said.

SPEAKER_01 43:01

Oh my god, please.

SPEAKER_04 43:02

Well, so you know, like what we think of raw dogging is the original definition. The original definition is like without the condom, right? Right. And um, but the Gen Z definition is if you do anything without um without support. So, like, yeah, taking a flight and you sit down. Oh, yeah, you raw dog. Raw dog the flight, yeah, yeah, for sure. So yeah, so I my son, gosh, it would something several years ago. So he was probably 14 or 15, and he was like, I'm just gonna raw dog this. I'm gonna raw dog my shoes. Like, or I don't raw dog, like that's what he said. I don't raw dog these. And I was like, I'm sorry. Can you tell me this again? He's like, Everybody wears socks with their Birkenstocks, which is a whole different thing, right? But I was like, I know that whole thing. What raw dogging?

SPEAKER_05 43:54

It was like if you don't wear the socks, they use it. That is how they use it, that's how they use it, yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 43:59

So I used it. Like raw dogging. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 44:03

I'm not raw dogging this. I have my tea.

SPEAKER_02 44:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 44:06

I'm not raw dogging this either.

SPEAKER_02 44:07

I've got cookies. I'm not raw dogging my slippers. I've got socks on with them, so we're good. That's right. That's exactly it.

SPEAKER_01 44:14

Anyway, I do some of their stuff is pretty funny. Like and dating men that have children, um, I've learned so much from the teenagers in this house. But um another I one kid, this was years and years ago, he was wearing she was wearing her Crocs and she started running and she had the the latch over the back of her heel, and her brother goes, Oh, look, she's in sport mode.

SPEAKER_06 44:38

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 44:43

That shit cracked me up. Oh, she's sport mode, and she's serious. She's got them in sport mode.

SPEAKER_04 44:50

I think that's one of the things that I miss the most about Levi um in school is like not being around these these younger people. I mean, I teach in graduate school, so it's not like I'm, you know, not around young people, but it's different when it's teens. Oh, like an amazingly funny movie.

SPEAKER_01 45:09

Oh god. The things.

SPEAKER_03 45:11

Just like we do the things. Yeah. You actually think that.

SPEAKER_01 45:15

Yeah. Well, and it's interesting also, and I noticed this. There was a period in my life where um I went back to a I had an iPhone and then I went back to a flip phone for like a year. Yeah. Um for many reasons. Yeah. Well, money-wise, and then it just life was not good. So anyway, I remember because I wouldn't pull out my flip phone to look at it, but I noticed when I would go into the grocery store, and it was always younger folk, um, the moment there was an opportunity for us to make eye contact, they'd take out their phone and look at their phone. Take out their phone and look at the choice. So look for it. You'll see it. Like if you if someone's about to make a human interaction, they'll pick out their phone, check their phone. I do it too sometimes where I'm like, oh wait a minute. Talk about deflecting. Yeah. Like, like, no, don't connect, don't connect. It's uncomfortable. Like when kids walk in in this house, especially, we always like to joke we could hear when one of the boys were coming upstairs because you'd hear this the the scrolling through reels on TikTok. And that would be his like music announcing his comment. His theme music. Yeah, and he's just his lockout music. Then they all just stand walking around flipping through stuff. Like it's it's fascinating. Yeah. But that's it was a cool year.

SPEAKER_02 46:33

That's that's their community.

SPEAKER_04 46:36

Yeah, yeah. And it, you know, we can go back to COVID of like how that happened and everything. It is, you know, it is it's true. And I, you know, I think there's good and bad with it. But um, but then, you know, on the other side, going back to our aging parents, um, you know, I have Levi that's like, you know, all up in the business of everything. And then, you know, I have my mom calling me to say that she can't log into her email because her computer's broken. And we're like trying to figure this out. And at the same time where, you know, she's Lucas is like, I have the tab open for you. So you just have to open the computer, put in your password, and the tab's open, you just go to the Gmail and she's like, what is the tab? And we're like, oh God.

SPEAKER_01 47:20

Yeah, that's trouble. That's a whole other podcast, is talking about trying to walk your parents through some sort of technological anything. Oh, God, I know. And it's amazing.

SPEAKER_02 47:32

The my dad's called me with oh, he's called me for the same problem a few times, and I'm like, all right, this time grab a sticky note. I'm like, and let's write down how to do it, and then you'll stick it, you know, up so that when it happens again, you can do it.

SPEAKER_04 47:46

I so I had yeah, I had these care teams coming in to take care of my sister after my mom was in the hospital this last time. She was in the hospital, and then she went to a skill nursing to a rehab facility um to get stronger. And so I have all this care team um for my sister coming to the house and our friends and neighbors, nobody that we paid, friends and neighbors, amazing community. Um, and one of them was like, Could you please write out the instructions for the TV? Um I was like, Yes, I will write out and she's like, only because your mom doesn't know how to do it. I was like, oh my gosh. Okay. So I have like all these instructions on the TV. Actually, Emily, it was your sister who said that.

SPEAKER_01 48:27

Like, so it was like okay.

SPEAKER_04 48:29

All right. It's incredible. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 48:31

Well, I I worked at Dish Network brief briefly, and I spoke to so many elderly people that had their TV on the wrong input. Right. That's all I want to I want to do an I want to do a nonprofit where I just travel the country in a Winnebago and I knock on elderly people's doors and I say, Do you need me to check your TV to get it on the right input? Because it was all day, every day, elderly people, and I couldn't help them.

SPEAKER_04 48:57

I literally took white out and circled the input. So smart. Here's the input, HDMI one, HDMI two, HDMI three. Those are HDI.

SPEAKER_01 49:08

You'd think they could make it a little bit less like all those stupid everything.

SPEAKER_02 49:13

Well, now with like AI, you'd think you could be able to, you know how you can talk to some of those remote controls and just be like, this is what I'm trying to do, and it'll like go in and fix it and find whatever show or you know subscription you want to make. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 49:27

You'd think we could do that.

SPEAKER_02 49:29

But back to like aging and community. Uh Bo was telling me the other day that he had read that aging men, it was something along the lines of widowers and how if they don't get into community, the the chances of them declining.

SPEAKER_04 49:46

Living along.

SPEAKER_02 49:48

So and how they're so lonely. You reach like the age of 60, and if you don't have this group of, you know, men I'll say, but you know, some have women friends too, already kind of put in place, then chances are you're not gonna find them. So getting into a community of sorts, like joining a Tai Chi, you know, Monday, Wednesday, Friday, something, something we're gonna do. Or Corvette Club together my dad's in.

SPEAKER_04 50:13

Yeah. That's really interesting. So one of my friends' parents, he um his mom died. Um and then his dad is very healthy. And but what's the what's his this it just like hits me, right? Um, so his problem really is um he attaches himself to women. And like he is trying, so he tries to, so he's had two girlfriends, and his wife has been gone for about a decade or so. And um she he attaches, he's had a girlfriend who moved to Iowa from California to be with this woman, and she's like, You can't, I can't, you know, I I have kids, I have like a community here, you can't attach yourself to me. And then he did the same thing with another woman. And it's like because men don't create those communities the way well, this is my opinion, they don't create those communities the same way that we do as women. So they are thinking about what or they have a harder time creating those communities that are outside of their personal relationships, right? So it's it is it I can see that.

SPEAKER_02 51:18

Yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 51:19

Well, and it's also because um why I mean the majority of women after they uh lose their partner, there is a percentage out there, I don't know exactly what it is. Women thrive on their own. Men don't.

SPEAKER_04 51:33

Well, because we know what we need for connection, like whether or not we smush our emotions down and don't actually get out there. We know what we need as far as connection and community. Absolutely. Well without without a partner. Like we we are like we are separate people. I hope I want women to feel that way.

SPEAKER_01 51:53

I I will say that that my experience with uh young adults um with girlfriends and young adults males without girlfriends, the ones with girlfriends are un unbelievably on top of their emotions, they're on top of their life, they're it's pretty powerful. And I thought about like, you know, men really are just okay, hot take. Um not all men, but some men, and not my man, maybe pimp sort of, uh, are looking for a mom. Yeah, like yeah, they want to be nurtured and cared for and taken care of.

SPEAKER_04 52:33

I think it it can it can be like a really lovely relationship, but looking of course, looking for um someone to be that yeah that piece of the partnership, right? It doesn't necessarily mean like a mommy thing, but it can be like I really need some nurturing in this, and this is like women are notoriously better at that, so here's where they're gonna do this. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 52:58

So it there was a discomfort in the beginning of my relationship because he was like saying, I want an independent woman, and then he got one. And I was like, I mean, I I take and I've never really described myself. I'm an independent woman. I just you know, but you are just the way that's the way the cards tell all of us are independent women when you have to be, you don't have a fucking choice. And um uh he really did not understand me wanting to go and spend time in my apartment by myself. He's like, but you could be with me. I'm like, and I love you, but I love me too. Like I love myself, like we I enjoy myself. I think I'm a hoot, and we yeah, we have a good time together. So me and myself.

SPEAKER_02 53:39

I definitely need my space every single day. I need quiet private time.

SPEAKER_01 53:45

It's important. And the just the power of knowing that about yourself. I wish I didn't learn it when I was 36. I wish I had known. When you felt like something was wrong with you for wanting to shut yourself out. I know. Like to just lock in and like I could I did it as a kid too. Like I had the personality to be like, and I could keep going and keep going, but I was inside. Like I remember I left some sort of like field trip and called to go home, and they're like, Are you sick? And I was like, No, I just it was too much. Yeah, it was too much, and I'm too much, I'm too much. Like, I was too much for me. I can't chill the fuck out. You know, that's my it's all you're also full batteried, yeah. Yeah, and the only way I can shut down is if no one's around. Yeah, like if somebody anybody's there, I don't care if they're just quietly, it doesn't matter. I can't turn it off. So that's my problem.

SPEAKER_04 54:39

That's so interesting. So that's that's um that's very similar to me. That's you get it, like yanky. And I did not um realize it until much, much later that I'm like, oh I am an extrovert, I do love being around people, but I gotta have my space.

SPEAKER_01 54:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 54:56

And um, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 54:58

It's wonderful. Like then you don't feel bad for wanting to be alone.

SPEAKER_05 55:02

Like I used never feel bad for them. No, and I can be really honest with my friends and say, I just need to be over here.

SPEAKER_01 55:11

Yeah, and that's and in in the sense of taking caregiving, you know, some people are caregiving all day, every day, all night. Like that's that's that's something that support hurts.

SPEAKER_04 55:25

Yeah. So going back to that, I think that is something that I think about so frequently is that I'm really lucky that my mom has some financial ability to be able to pay some people to do this, or that she has some stability that she has her house paid off. So she doesn't have to be able to do that. Right. And it's so amazing. But the financial burden of aging and our poor economy and healthcare, and how both those things are like driving in two different directions. I think about this so much. So as they're cutting Medicare, Medicaid, um they um being cut. Um and there's less opportunities for people to age in place and or to age in areas that they want to be in. So my mom does not want to live with me. We uh established that this is not an opportunity for that's wonderful. We are very good separate. Um and but what you know, if she didn't have that financial stability, this would be her house, right? It's it would it would have to happen. And I think about like rural communities, and we're very lucky that we live in cities that have these places that you know, whether or not that's more expensive to live in a city and all that, but like rural communities don't even have opportunities for people to have caregivers. Right, right. It's like they're automatically put somewhere where the state or something can pay or their family and no one's really taking care of people. So I actually don't know anybody that's like that, but I imagine that that's what's happening. They're well, of course, that's absolutely what's happening.

SPEAKER_02 57:11

I've said this for a while and I do feel like this. Um I've been fortunate enough to kind of go back and forth between a few different countries this past year, uh, the United Kingdom and Australia, but I see just how different they live their lives in community and family where they are not afraid to live with their elders. They're you know, many generations living together under the same house or nearby, that they take care of each other. I feel like here in the United States, we have isolated ourselves from our elders. Um yeah, and it's too sad. It's too sad.

SPEAKER_04 57:47

Well, yeah, and it's we just give them like a a pressure to leave the nest. Yes.

SPEAKER_02 57:53

Yes and stay out of the nest. Like great. Oh, you moved back in with your parents, and it's like, well, yeah, because it's a free place to live and I can save money. There is no shame in that. I don't see why we could. I did it twice. Yeah, I've done it before too, and it was I was like, yeah, it was great, you know. I actually got to kind of my grandparents. It's yeah, yeah. I got to know my parents like uh me as an adult, getting to know them and having these different conversations as opposed to like when they were like raising me, you know, before I was 18. So it was a different dynamic, and I really honored to have been able to do that. But it does make me sad to see that we kind of just throw our parents away at it at certain point. And I don't say, you know, us in particular, but we as I don't. Sandy Jim, I'm not gonna throw you in the garbage, not this time.

SPEAKER_04 58:45

But I mean, I think it is like it we don't have this sense of community. So if you don't have children, right, Emily and some of our other friends that don't have children, what who oh wait, you know, like there's this sense that that's the reason why you would have children, right? Is to have somebody care for you. And like that, that is ridiculous. Don't do that. Um anybody that's young out there, don't do that. Because you don't know, but but it's like well you have to create your own community in order to, and that's like a huge burden to to think about what that's gonna look like. Um later. It's wild.

SPEAKER_01 59:23

Well, and I've been really leaning hard on my niece. We she did had homecoming yesterday, and I did her hair, and I was like, you know, when your parents are getting old, um, because we were talking about uh grandpa moving in with us, and I was like, I'm also gonna be getting old, so you're gonna have to take care of you now. But she loves me. I'm a hoot, so uh you are a hoot. I have your niece is lucky. She is if she doesn't know it. No, she's she is unfortunately way funnier than me. And so she doesn't always find me funny, and that is humbling, and it's good to learn.

SPEAKER_02 1:00:04

I think you're pretty funny, Courtney.

SPEAKER_03 1:00:06

So I'd love to have Sailor on. No, she's gonna come back later and be like, God, my aunt was so funny.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:11

And I totally ignored her. I can't believe it. When she when she was three, and this I was I was deeply in circling the drain in alcoholism, and I was living with my sister, and I remember we're sitting at breakfast and I was playing with her, and she leaned across the table, she's three, and she goes, Mama, cha cha is bothering me. And my name, she calls me cha cha. And that cut me deeper than I think anything has been.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:36

So you still blame her. It's like oh my god.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:40

I was like, You mean little creature, like mama, cha cha cha is bothering me. And I was like, You're bothering me. Your face bothers me. The fact that you exist bothers me because I had my sister all to myself, then you came along. Now look at you. Yeah, now look at you. No, plus her heart. Yeah. Well, and I was being very, very annoying. Like sometimes that seems to be my goal. I'm like, silly, like just I don't know what it is. And she really lets me push her far. She doesn't get annoyed super fast.

SPEAKER_02 1:01:14

So I think my cat would say the same thing about me. She's annoying me.

SPEAKER_03 1:01:20

Yeah. Or raising chalk for that. Yeah. Right? Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:01:25

Um, one tip that has been I I I'm so glad that and I'm sure this is common knowledge for some people. So if you already know this in whatever, but this is my tip. What live dealing with with anyone aging, anyone, the biggest tip I've learned, because I naturally don't when people try to help me cooking dinner, I'm like, no, no, I got it. I because I enjoy it. And like carrying the groceries, I don't ask for help because I'm also like, I can carry them all. I'm a strong woman. Yeah, yeah. Well, and also I've done it on my own for so long. Like it, it doesn't really occur to me to ask, you know. Um, so uh grandpa always offers to help. And I didn't at first, and now I'm always letting him help. Everything. Anything he wants to help with. Yes, I need that. Or if he offers me like an Advil from 1932, I'm like, for sure, that's that.

SPEAKER_06 1:02:17

Yeah. And like it dawned on me.

SPEAKER_01 1:02:20

Right? Like, let him help. Even if you know, getting groceries in, it took it took a little bit longer than it normally would. Um, but he helped. Put them to work. Yes, you were asking.

SPEAKER_02 1:02:32

Let them help. Let them be useful. Let them, I'm it's as if they're oh my god, that sounds horrible. Let them be useful. But yes. Let them.

SPEAKER_05 1:02:41

Well, and think about how what that like actually looks like, right? It's like, yeah, yeah. Okay.

SPEAKER_04 1:02:47

And it and that is this sounds horrible too, but it is like raising a toddler where you're like For sure, right? So you're like, oh, you want to help dishes now? Oh my god, yeah. But then you're like, oh, now my teenager knows how to do dishes because we, you know, so what's the outcome?

SPEAKER_02 1:03:05

Is like absolutely important. And the one thing that I have to remind myself always is this is their first and only time on this planet, too. They're doing every day brand new, and they are lucky to have gotten this far. And it's just raw. Yeah, they've been rawdonging it the whole time. But it's also like every time you're like, Oh, you're my parent, you should know this. And it's like, well, this is their first time experiencing this too. They don't know this. Like they've never done this before. They've never done this. Yeah, so ease up. Just that's ease up on people because it is everyone's first time doing this. Whether you believe in reincarnation, you know, that comes back. But I'm like, can you remember that then? Like, do you remember your former lives and having done this before? Because if you can, that's incredible. But if not, it is your first time doing it.

SPEAKER_06 1:03:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 1:03:54

And it's the first time in this world, right? Right, yeah. Right, this moment, this that's so beautiful. I hadn't thought of that. I think the other big piece is what we started with was really relying on that community. And absolutely, right. So it's um, I I was so, so grateful and impressed with my mom's community in Colorado. Oh, that's wonderful. Nailed it. And I was like, yeah, I had to coordinate it, and it was really, really hard and exhausting. But it was like once we'd like got it going, it's like, oh, we have all these people, which is one of the reasons why I don't think she should move to Washington. Um, again, extrovert community, lots of people around her. But it is like she's been so busy with her people over the last few weeks that it's like it's almost like she is like buoyed by that. Like that is something that is like appealing for her. And so coming back to that community and thinking about what you know you need as an aging person, and it's like, oh, let's make sure that we like keep these relationships that we have now so that we can carry ourselves into that aging world. Because we're not younger either. Like that's you know, as much as we want to, it's yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:05:19

Not me. I'm so grateful I'm the age I am. Like, oh my god, watching kids go to homecoming, I'd rather fucking die than go to a fucking dance. I mean, I love to dance.

SPEAKER_04 1:05:30

I said this to my husband the other night that I was like, I like 40 was really hard for me. I was like, I can't, you know, 40 is like like that moment in time when you're like, and maybe it's just for women where you're like, okay, and now I, you know, I can't have kids anymore. I can't, you know, like whatever it is, it felt felt like it. But turning 50 was like, now I know my aches and pains. Like yeah, like an injury might take me out for a little bit, but I I know I can bounce back eventually. And like it's like Oh, I like that. Yeah, 50 is like, you guys, when you hit it, it's gonna be amazing.

SPEAKER_01 1:06:05

I mean, every decade has just gotten better. The only thing that my complaint about this decade is my knees and fucking perimenopause, and now I'm just a uber crazy bitch.

SPEAKER_04 1:06:17

But you know that crazy bitch. But I do, yeah. And like I'm on the other side of the menopause cycle. So it's like once you hit that, you're like, oh my God. This is like this is yeah, I might suck, but I know my knees suck now. Okay, yeah. See that's lots of them.

SPEAKER_01 1:06:36

Mine have been there all the time. All the time. All the time. All the time. And then I I'm not alone in my apartment like I used to be. And so I have someone to complain to. So it turns out I'm a really fucking annoying complainer. All I do is complain. I'm like, my knees, my knees, my knees, my menopause, my perimenopause, my knees, my knees, my knees, my knees.

SPEAKER_05 1:06:56

Yeah. And they're like, well, what else is going on in your life, Courtney? Is anything okay?

SPEAKER_01 1:07:02

Yeah. I was a delight when I lived alone. We thought we were hilarious. No one ever thought we were annoying. Like maybe pop my my puppy at the time, Rooster, R. Ip Roost. Um, she might have found me annoying, but like, it's hard. I realize I'm like, I'm not perfect.

SPEAKER_04 1:07:21

That sucks.

SPEAKER_02 1:07:22

I have bad moods. We all do, and that's okay. And I think it's so okay to show those emotions when you need to. And yeah. But I have one question for each of you. And then Courtney has a question for you, Becky. Oh, okay. What okay, I'll start with you, Becky. What is one thing you're going to do for yourself today?

SPEAKER_04 1:07:45

Ooh. Ooh, that's a really so um there there are two things. So one, I'm gonna take a nice swim with my friends later. Oh, nice.

SPEAKER_02 1:07:55

That's real nice. Um, but I'll see you half naked in a few hours. Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:08:00

Oh, you guys. So lucky. Courtney, make it live.

SPEAKER_04 1:08:04

Um yeah. And then um this this is such a um I realize that my self-care really needs to be around preparing myself for the next day and for like the next things to come. So I'm really taking that time to uh prepare myself for I start a big work week next week that's orientation for my and it's a big deal and it's exhausting. Um so like taking that time, and I've realized that is like one of my ultimate self-care is like planning and prepping it. But it is, it's like it makes me less anxious. I have to like, you know, it's like I know.

SPEAKER_05 1:08:43

But then I'm like, oh, I have all my lists and I'm all ready. So I have my clothes set out and they're all ready and I are big for me too.

SPEAKER_02 1:08:51

Okay, Courtney, you're up. What's one thing you're gonna do for yourself today?

SPEAKER_01 1:08:55

I am getting rid of all of the bras that I hate, and I am ordering, I'm gonna go to Victoria's Secret. I have two gift cards from my bachelor or my shower, and I'm gonna buy a bra that fits me and feels good on my body because I have like 19 bras and I fucking hate every single one of them. Like looking at them makes me mad.

SPEAKER_04 1:09:15

Can you go to the store? Or do you have to do it online?

SPEAKER_01 1:09:18

No, I have to go to the store because this is bizarre. I have a gift card that when you I scratched off the pin, it took two of the numbers off of it.

SPEAKER_05 1:09:26

Oh.

SPEAKER_03 1:09:26

So I don't have the pin, so I'm like, but that's actually nice because you can like try them all on without having to be.

SPEAKER_01 1:09:34

Well, and I know my size. Oh, good now. And I've tried on the one bra that I sort of like, but it's falling apart, and I looked at the size, I was like, you're it. That's it. We're going with that. Nice. Yeah. Yeah. So Emily, how about you? Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:09:50

Oh, um well, it the sun is out, and I have been taking advantage of when I have beautiful sunny days, and even though there is a lot for me to kind of prep for my week, because I've got like four projects I'm working on right now, um, just going out on my porch and reading on get sitting in the chair. Like a little squirrel friend. Yeah, with my squirrel friends.

SPEAKER_01 1:10:12

With the squirrel friends. Maybe cook them a tiny casserole.

SPEAKER_02 1:10:17

It's become one of my favorite things, and uh honestly I feel better the next day when I do it. So yeah, just taking time to sit out and not focus on much, but after I get my lists done and everything, yeah, prep and then prep in your brain for yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:10:33

All right, Becky. Here first thing that comes to your head, okay? Jeez. What's a kind thing that someone's done for you? Oh one thing. Oh my gosh. Yeah, it could be like once a gal c my neighbor covered my car window that was down, and that touched my heart.

SPEAKER_04 1:10:49

So it doesn't have to be big, it doesn't have to be no, um, but so back to this community. Um, I I have two very good friends in Colorado, and they have every single day checked up on me, and they will send like little funny things or like, hey, I checked in on your mom and your sister today. And they're just um that I feel like so um my heart is full. Um yeah. And of course we're amazing, and but it it is. I feel like that I can't even explain how my friendships have just blossomed during this time where I'm like, please let me repay you in whatever kind of emotional support you need at some point because it's very good. Absolutely. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:11:33

I'm like, that was the one thing that weighed on me after cancer because I I did have a community come together and they had scheduled everything and people were taking me and helping me out and like every other thing. I felt that I had to repay every single person and you don't.

SPEAKER_01 1:11:47

Oh God.

SPEAKER_04 1:11:48

No, you don't, you pay it forward. And if you say it to me like that, Emily, then I'm like, oh yeah, I don't have to pay back any money. It's a good reminder. If I'm like, I have to. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:11:59

So you don't, I don't like eventually it'll you don't even have to say thank you. Like, I'm doing this and just leave it at that. So take it. Just just take it.

SPEAKER_01 1:12:09

Yeah, let me raw dog that nice thing for you.

SPEAKER_02 1:12:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:12:13

Coming back to the raw docks.

SPEAKER_02 1:12:14

On that note, I'll I'll get the check for brunch. Yeah. Oh, Emily, you give us a lot. I'll get the next round. Yeah. Fuck no. Next time it's live.

SPEAKER_06 1:12:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:12:26

Yeah, there you go. Oh, we should. We should definitely like Courtney. You can grab a mock tail, we can have some bloody Marys, and we'll just live open. So because we can do live um and do live, but also on YouTube and Spotify, so people can watch us in the moment and get all of our bloopers that I tend to edit out. But yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:12:44

The bloops are what it's about.

SPEAKER_02 1:12:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:12:45

It's all for the bloops.

SPEAKER_02 1:12:47

Well, thank you both. And um, it's a great plant. I I would like to ask all of our listeners and viewers, hey, just drop us a quick note and tell us how you're surviving these days with taking care of yourself and others around you. It would be it's always nice to hear and we can put those up. Um and you can email us at that wasn't the planpod at gmail.com or go to any of our social medias. You can find us on YouTube, Spotify, Apple, all the all the places where you're actually listening and tuning into this. But Becky, Courtney, thank you. This was thank you, Emily.

SPEAKER_00 1:13:21

Thank you, Becky.

SPEAKER_01 1:13:22

Courtney and Emily with the good hair, literally.

SPEAKER_02 1:13:25

Yeah, Becky with the cute hair. Yeah, girl. All right, so we talk to you next time. Bye. Thanks for listening to That Wasn't the Plan. If you found it helpful or at least mildly entertaining, a quick grading, review, and a click on the subscribe button would be lovely. And it genuinely helps us. And if a friend comes to mind, please share. Until next time. Bye.