SPEAKER_01 0:04

That wasn't the plan. Hello everyone, and thank you for tuning in to That Wasn't the Plan. I am your host, Emily White. Unfortunately, Courtney Holland can't be with us today, but we do have an amazing guest, and I cannot wait to have a conversation with her. Her name is Annie Elmendorf. Annie hails from Texas. She is the mother of two children and a sister of one of my closest friends. So, Annie, thank you so much for coming on the podcast today. I can't wait to hear about your story.

SPEAKER_00 0:36

Thank you for inviting me, Emily. I've been a fan of your podcast for a little while and listened to a lot of them. So thank you for having me.

SPEAKER_01 0:43

Oh, that's lovely to hear. Thank you. It always warms my heart when our guests listen to the podcast as well, because a lot of people that we have on actually we don't know them. So yay, I'm so excited. Well, Annie, uh, we're here today to kind of talk about your story, but there's so much that I relate to. I feel like you and I are on similar paths or have been recently, especially because we're getting kind of into that middle age stage of our lives. And I feel like for a lot of people, women especially, and it could be a perimenopause, menopause thing where I've heard that women just stop giving a fuck and you know, we reinvent ourselves. But I think that's true for men as well. You know, you hear about the midlife crisis, and I think it's just because we're transitioning from our youth into our young adulthood. But now as we get into the 40 to 60 age range, we're becoming new people. So that's kind of why you're here today is to talk about your story and what you've decided to possibly do with that like new reinvention and this kind of awakening of sorts. So take me back to like the Tuesday morning in March. You said you had been kind of depressed at this time. You stepped onto your scale, and it's not just one of those regular scales, it's one of those Wi-Fi scales with like that you've had for about 16 years. So it has all of your data on it. Yeah. Yeah. And what did that number say? Or what did it say to you?

SPEAKER_00 2:13

Weight has always been a thing in my life. I guess in March, I had just gotten, I guess, about a month and a half into a separation from my husband. I filmed myself not feeling great. And as a result, I know when I do that, like I stopped weighing myself and I got on the scale for the first time in probably a few months. And I noticed that it was 15 pounds less than what I had expected it to be when I got on, or actually maybe like 20 pounds less, because I thought I had actually gained weight, but to my surprise, I had lost quite a bit of weight. And also the body composition said that I had lost a significant amount of lean mass, which I I guess, like I said, I it it's not like it was completely unexpected, but at the same time, the scale, the the scale of the scale was completely unexpected. Yeah. Um I had lost a significant amount of lean mass and body weight. And at the same time, my my clothes hadn't fit really any differently. So that said to me that my kind of depression and the fact that I wasn't eating right, I was not taking care of my body um the way that I have come to in the last, let's call it 16 years. And it was striking and a little scary as, like you said, we're going into this menopause period. And I I know for a fact that like losing muscle in menopause is is a thing. So I guess I just had this moment. A little bit of fear and also dread that I was exacerbating and like maybe accelerating this um process that was already gonna be happening. So kind of like, what am I doing here? You know?

SPEAKER_01 3:48

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_00 3:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 3:50

Sorry. I just had a brain fog moment. My God, and that's the other problem with menopause. It's like squirrels running around inside my brain, and I'm like, what was I gonna say? I completely forget. Um so it was around that time and it kind of scared you because you had been an athlete for a while now. So you were driving somewhere and you were listening to NPR. And who was on? Who was waiting to be interviewed that kind of like pieced it all together for you?

SPEAKER_00 4:18

Yeah, yeah. So I hadn't always been an athlete, but you know, yeah, I have for the last several years, and that wasn't the plan. But um, I was driving in my car, and and around this same time I heard an interview on NPR with Elizabeth Smart, who anyone of our age knows. That was a huge news story, and where she was um this young, pretty Mormon girl who was abducted from her bedroom, I think, or am I getting from her bedroom and you know, held against her will for a year or more?

SPEAKER_01 4:53

Was it that long? I thought it was only like a few three months or something, but maybe it was a long time.

SPEAKER_00 4:58

It was a long time. In fact, I'm getting kind of like goosebumps just thinking about it. But this poor girl, and um, you know, she was all over the news for you know, forever, it seemed like. And I think everybody assumed the worst for her. And I mean, it was the worst, but on the on the other hand, she survived. She's a survivor. Um but yeah, so for anybody who doesn't know, yeah, she was she was held against her will and and they somehow they found her. Um, but anyway, I heard her interviewed on NPR. I had heard, like, I guess a while ago that she had been become like a marathoner. And so I knew she had like kind of that journey as well. So it long story short, she was being interviewed about uh being in a bodybuilding competition. And I thought, wow, that's a kind of a crazy turn for most people, I think.

SPEAKER_01 5:47

But it's like you said, we start lifting weights and stuff, but it doesn't really go through many people's minds to, hey, I think I want to be a bodybuilder.

SPEAKER_00 5:54

Exactly, exactly. So the things that she said um that really resonated with me were kind of like giving her the opportunity to reclaim her body from the horrible things that had happened to her. She talked about just how her, how her body has carried her through so many things in her life. And while, you know, we all have different journeys, I mean, obviously, like I also feel like my body has carried me through a lot of things in my life. And so this avenue for her was about strength and determination and and also just like the the duality or the the multiple things that we are as women, right? Like, you know, she's a mother, she's a wife, um, but you know, she's also an athlete and a survivor. And so that that really resonated with me as well because I just feel like I wear so many different identities. So yeah, so I I listened to this interview with her on NPR and I immediately was uh I was just struck by um also I guess just the the transition also from I guess her being a marathoner as well. I mean, because when you're that kind of athlete, your body, like even though you're need to be strong, you're also a little bit emaciated. Um and that's just the nature of it. So yeah, I really enjoyed it. And um, so I reached out and to a couple of different coaches and did some interviews with them. And and so I found this woman in California, and she's very like holistic in her approach, very uh nutrition focused, and uh not having it also take over your your life completely. And so at the moment I am like training to be um like I am a bodybuilder.

SPEAKER_01 7:40

And so you had mentioned that you'd struggled with weight most well, a lot of your adulthood is that right? Like take me back to kind of when you were younger and what your life was like and everything.

SPEAKER_00 7:52

Yeah, so weight has always been an issue in my life, you know, it's been something I've struggled with my entire life. Um, but it hasn't like always been the problem. My you know my sister. Um I'm only 15 months older than she is. Um but I've always been just significantly bigger. And so I don't know if it was that or or what, but my my dad made it like clear very early on that I was the bigger one, and that just always kind of stuck with me. And then my my mom, I think she mentioned like starting a diet like for the first time when I was like eight or nine. Um my god. Yeah, and she was struggled with her weight as well and was always at that time mid-80s, she was dexatrim and slim fast and those things. And so, like looking back at that, like I was never a a I mean, a fat kid. So, you know, those things just really left a mark on me. Um but I think I maybe gained weight and got chubby like around middle school, like when my parents got divorced. Okay. And then it was just a really a struggle from there on out. Was never an athlete. So I guess I learned in all that, like through, you know, going from high school through my adult life, like how to how to lose the weight. And then it just always would come back. And then some I I mean, I probably I think I did the math one time and I think I I think I like gained and lost even before um I took a drastic measure. I think I gained and lost like over 200 pounds in my lifetime, you know. Oh wow. Yeah, and that was a lot. Yeah, it it was a lot, and I think that also like takes a toll on your body, right? Um, because I wasn't always pregnant in the healthiest ways. Um, probably had a little, you know, eating disorder in high school. So I guess it was um 2010, and I was at that point, had been married for four years, had a two-year-old son, and I um decided, I I mean, I can I started considering having a gastric bypass surgery, which in the past had always seemed like, and it is, it's a very extreme um thing to want to do. But um, even though I did not fit the exact profile of a lot of people that get one, I definitely had the ups and downs, but I didn't have any of the what they call comorbidities, you know, like um diabetes or prediabetes or anything like that. So I decided to do that, and it was absolutely maybe the best decision I ever made. Um, did not go into it lightly. Um, and I guess I saw it as uh as an opportunity to to start anew. Like in some ways it felt, I admittedly, in some ways it felt like cheating, you know, like it felt like the easy, the easy thing to do. Uh, you know.

SPEAKER_01 10:57

I feel like now with the GLP ones that are on the market, a lot of people feel that that's a quote unquote cheat. I don't view it like that. I kind of view it as self-care. If it's something you want to do that's gonna make you feel physically better and mentally better about yourself, then look at it like I'm going to get a facial. I'm doing something that I want to do. There shouldn't be that shame and stigma around it. That's my personal opinion.

SPEAKER_00 11:26

Um I had decided to do it then because uh I felt like I was um in a little way under a deadline because we'd had this one son. He was two years old. I was pushing 40. Um and I just I felt like I was in the position where I wanted to have that other baby. And I I just I was heavier than I had ever been at that point because having a baby and living in Texas, yeah, I I knew how to lose the weight, but I just didn't think that I could do it safely and quickly enough um for us to get pregnant again. So uh so yeah, I went for it and it it was shocking, you know, it was absolutely shocking the way the weight just completely falls off of you and you have you have the desire literally to eat nothing. So you're taking supplements, you're kind of watching your hair fall. Um no. Yeah, yeah. And so then before I had the surgery, actually it it was recommended to me that um to not waste any time and start strength training because when you lose weight, when you we lose weight at all, but especially when you lose it quickly, the first thing you lose is muscle. And so I um I wasted no time and I had never really lifted weights, actually. I mean, I guess I did for a little while, like I had a trainer before we got married. Okay. And that was awesome. But I never I mean, at that point I was still significantly overweight. And so I went full force. I I went in three days a week and just started doing it.

SPEAKER_01 13:04

So you had mentioned to me that alcoholism runs in your family. Do you think that psychologically, perhaps some of your mom's comments to you when you were younger had something to do with your weight, had something to do with later on you starting to drink and maybe drink more than you ever wanted to?

SPEAKER_00 13:24

And oh, without a doubt. I I mean, I know now that my use of alcohol and many other addictive tendencies have all come back to just not feeling at home in my own body and wanting to wanting to escape that feeling. So yeah, I didn't like myself. I didn't like um the way I looked. I didn't like the way I felt. And well, alcohol and a gastric bypass definitely gave me a way to feel better about myself.

SPEAKER_01 13:57

So I would imagine that having one drink after you've had that surgery just goes straight to your head. Like you don't need to drink much. But you tell me, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 14:10

So the the gastric bypass effectively removes your stomach. And so it was a warning uh when I talked to doctors after I had the surgery, they said you're probably not gonna want to drink for like at least six months. And did you want to drink? I did not. Um, like I followed. I mean, I maybe had like a sip of wine or something like that, but um yeah, um, I at that point in my life I still enjoyed uh drinking. And say I would say it did not become a problem until probably close to a year after I had my surgery. And I was able to eat more of what I wanted and definitely drink more of what I wanted. And it was the it was explained to me that um most people who have a gastric pi bypass, uh, they don't drink anymore after they have the surgery because of how kind of um terrifying it is. You just have no tolerance for it whatsoever. And so yeah, it's literally like a shooting up alcohol into your vein. And most people don't like that feeling, but I found out very quickly that I did. So that was definitely a turning point for me. And especially for the first time in my life, I found myself uh hiding my drinking, drinking alone. Um because yeah, it took so little and I could do it so quickly, and it got me the effect that what I discovered that I really wanted. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 15:40

So you were losing the weight and you were going to the gym and you had signed up to do an MS bike ride. Take me to that first ride.

SPEAKER_00 15:50

I um yeah, this little gym that I had joined, they had a team that they sponsored for the MS ride. And um it it actually really took me back because I say I was never an athlete, but at the same time, uh bike riding when I was a kid was like a huge part of my life. And it was, I mean, just fun. It's how we got around town and you know, did all the things out running around after dark, and and I guess I started out like borrowing a friend's bike and going out for the first time with that group of people at five o'clock on a like I don't know, it had to have been like June in in San Antonio, which is just like unbelievably brutally hot. I can imagine. Yeah, yeah. And so just going out there and I associate cycling with like such community. And that was the first time that I had really experienced that and doing it for you know for a cause. So I took to it like really quickly. I mean, just between the fun and the just the just the fun of riding. I mean, it's just to me, it like makes me so happy. But then, you know, just being out there with other people and in the heat, yeah, and just experiencing that was was wonderful.

SPEAKER_01 17:03

Quickly, because you were dropping all this weight, cycling kind of turned into running, into triathlons, Iron Man, Ultra Ironmans, and you just decided I can do it all now.

SPEAKER_00 17:17

Yeah. I found, you know, I was training with purpose for this ride that we were going to be doing in October and taking a trip up to Washington that summer to visit with my sister and her family. And uh didn't have my bike with me and decided, well, you know, if I can't do that, I should probably still be doing something. So to my surprise, I just decided to lace up my shoes and go for a run. And for the first time ever in my life, like running did not feel like it was going to kill me. I mean, it was just one of those moments that became obvious that like how much my body had changed because it just felt so much easier. And took that back with me to Texas and then did that MS ride. And uh, I think it was um being with a friend of mine who was doing a a duathlon. It's like a triathlon without the swimming. You run and then you bike and then you run. Oh, I see. Okay. Yeah, and did one of those, and it was just like everything else, it was like it was like a gateway drug. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 18:20

It's all those endorphins.

SPEAKER_00 18:22

Yes, exactly, exactly. I think the first duathlon I did was like a like a 5k run and like a 15 or 20 mile bike and then like another 15.

SPEAKER_01 18:33

Do you remember what year that was? So you got your surgery in 2010. When did you start doing all of this?

SPEAKER_00 18:39

It would have been, it probably would have been 2011. So at that point I was like still drinking and stuff like that. Um yeah, because I don't think I got into triathlon until after I had my daughter in in 2013. So, but yeah, I mean it did like progress really quickly because yeah, it just became one of those things where like, okay, well, if I can do that, like maybe I'll try this next thing. And you know, there really aren't um a lot of like doathlons out there to do. And I have never been a swimmer, so that would like presented a whole nother challenge. And triathlons are always open water swimming, and yeah, um, that was something that was uh new to me as well. So, and also too, I guess with considering uh triathlon, it was another one of those things that had community around it. Um, and and it's it's kind of a funny thing though, because there's a lot of community around it, but it's actually a very like solitary sport.

SPEAKER_01 19:37

Um you that can relate with open water swimming. There's people around you all the time, but when you're in the water, it's just you. You can't talk to anybody, you can't hear anything. You know, you hope that your people are looking out for you on either the boat or the shore, or you'll stop in the water and wait for your friends, but it is a solitary thing.

SPEAKER_00 19:58

Yeah, yeah. And especially too with triathlon in the bike part, it's not draft legal. And so okay, unlike with regular um bicycle racing, where it's like very much about being in a pack of people to conserve your energy in triathlon, it's like you literally are not allowed to be within, I think it's like 20 feet of the person in front of you. I had no idea they had rules like that for triathlons. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 20:28

Is that for all triathlons, including like the Iron Man?

SPEAKER_00 20:31

Yeah. Oh. Yeah. So you see people with their they're called arrow bars and they're down, down like uh yeah. So that's so that you can create a more efficient way to ride because you're riding by yourself. Because you can't draft. Oh, that's fascinating.

SPEAKER_01 20:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 20:46

I love learning new things. Drafting is also incredibly dangerous. So you know, I think that's why they do that in triathlon because you're going from, you know, potentially being exhausted from the swim to going to a bike.

SPEAKER_01 20:59

So um now I know that uh the swims and triathlons and ironmans are much shorter than any other open water swims. They're usually like 1.2 or 2.4 miles. Yes. But are you allowed to draft in the water or is that also no no?

SPEAKER_00 21:16

Absolutely. Oh, okay. Yes, yes, yes. You can totally, you know, get kicked in the face and and all that. How'd that happen? I hate it. Yeah, yeah, for sure. No drafting, yeah, exactly. Swim drafting is totally a thing. Okay. So yeah. So did a couple of those early on, like some kind of they call them sprint and then Olympic distance. Yeah. And then I guess it was after my daughter was born in uh early 2013 that I had done maybe a a sprint or a couple of Olympics. And I thought, well, like it's not that much more to do a half iron man. And so at that point I hired a coach because in my adult like sporting life of like having a coach, because um, I feel like There are all these plans that you can follow, but that real life exists, and it's hard to sometimes figure out how to get those things um in there and then feel like you are doing all the things. And so um I found this wonderful woman triathlon coach here who's still a great friend to this day. I did the first two half Iron Mans with her. Uh after I guess I did the first, she's like, Well, you know, you could keep building on this and do it an Iron Man later in the summer. And I was kind of like, whoa, whoa, whoa. You know, so um, yeah, so held off like another year before I committed to doing that. Um because it what I found is it does definitely take over your life. And um, you know, I think too, some of the more addictive tendencies of my personality to kind of like obsess about the numbers and the training. And and even though I was so far from being even close to being competitive, I mean, maybe a little bit in my age group in the like half Iron Man distance, but with the the full Iron Man, it was just about about finishing at that point.

SPEAKER_01 23:05

Yeah. You had mentioned to me in our call earlier that I am totally guilty of having these transfer addictions, and that's a proven thing where you just trade one thing for another. So at this time when you were uh taking up cycling and then triathlons, were you drinking less at this time, or were you transferring those addictions, or were you still kind of drinking?

SPEAKER_00 23:28

So in April or so of 2012, when uh my husband confronted me about my drinking, I just remember being absolutely mortified by his kind of catching me in the act of hiding these bottles of booze or refilling them in our pantry. And um I was so scared that I literally quit out of out of fear. Um, didn't want to be an alcoholic, didn't want him to leave me, all these things. And so he very kindly offered to quit with me. I mean, he was the most amazing, caring, supportive partner I could have ever asked for. But yeah, I think it was at that point that I saw I recognized sport as a way to replace that. Yeah, I remember in like the early weeks of just quitting cold turkey. I remember him having some friends over for dinner. And I just decided to like when they were gonna break out the wine, I just decided to go to the gym and run on the treadmill instead. And so I think that was the first time that I could see like this is something I can do instead of drinking. And I think I know now, like I was kind of running, running away from it because I think I told you in a previous call that yeah, in those very, very early, early days after I had quit that first time in 2012. I went to exactly one 12-step meeting and decided that it was not for me and that I had nothing in common with the people in the room, and that I didn't want anything to do with the powerlessness, which is a huge component of working a 12-step program, is admitting your powerlessness. And so I like it very much like in disagreement with like what I was feeling with my body at the time. Like I was feeling so much, you know, even though I was struggling with alcohol, like I was uh feeling so much more powerful in the other ways that I guess my ego kind of took over and I said I didn't need any of that.

SPEAKER_01 25:39

So um strengthening your body and finding community in that. Um which is a form of recovery in itself.

SPEAKER_00 25:50

Yeah, yeah. So so yeah, and so when I did quit that first time, um, I was pregnant with my daughter just like literally the next month. And so that that kind of bought me an entire year of abstaining, right? I was pregnant, so I did not have the urge to drink. So then after she was born, I slipped pretty quickly into uh long quartz triathlon training and you know, had the the jogging stroller and was out there with her in it like from the get-go. Oh oh actually too, I ran with her until I was uh 38 weeks pregnant.

SPEAKER_01 26:24

Oh my gosh. Yeah. How did your knees feel after that? Everything hurt. Like everything hurt. Once you had your daughter, you were sober. And did you stay sober from there?

SPEAKER_00 26:35

I did. I did. I stayed, I stayed sober for 10 years almost to the day. Oh my gosh. You know, and it was funny, we actually had kind of like a life reboot during that time too. We bought a historic home in in San Antonio and moved from kind of the suburbs to downtown. And my husband was always joking that we were going into like a witness relocation program because just our wife was like looking so different with two kids and not drinking and my more like active lifestyle. And for a long time it felt like kind of easy not to drink, I guess, because he was my biggest drinking partner and he wasn't doing it with me anymore. And so, um, like I said, incredibly supportive and sweet and kind. But you know, I know now from working the program that I have that that's not the unfortunately the kind of thing that keeps you sober. And since I never was willing to admit that I was an alcoholic to really any, you know, anybody, but especially not myself, the when I think when you don't, when you don't admit it, like you don't have that knowing that that's what you are. And so the thinking tends to creep in of like, well, maybe I'm not, maybe I'm not. Maybe after eight years I'll have figured myself out and like I can do this drink like a normal person. And I remember like having some of those conversations with my husband saying, like, well, do you think that after all this time, maybe I'm fixed? And um, and he was just kind of like, I I don't think you should ever go there. And um, and I think that yeah, for the longest time, probably, you know, fear did keep me sober. It I it was like the perfect storm of post-COVID. And yeah, um, you know, I mean, I guess I should back up and and say that it was really during COVID that I just went full bore into cycling because it was something that I could do with people. And, you know, I had like a standing date with one of my friends where we we rode every weekday, and that was the way that we could see each other, you know, and every weekday. Yeah, yeah. She that's commitment, yeah, yeah. And then too, like I guess missing that community and having that thing to do outside that's social. And I guess it was like between Christmas and New Year's, she had mentioned that she was doing the Rafa 500, where um between Christmas and New Year's you ride 500K on your bike. So that's like 310 miles. And so my gosh, that's that's yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 29:14

I mean, that's doable depending on where you're at. If you don't have snow on the roads, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 29:19

Well, not in San Antonio, it's actually like the most beautiful time of year to be riding in San Antonio. I'm sure. So that seemed like a stretch, but we we did that, and then I guess shortly after that, um, I because that we were we were putting in like 200 miles a week, like before that. So, you know, an extra hundred didn't seem um that crazy. And so we did that, and then she had introduced me to some other people in the community in San Antonio, and it was shortly after that that I joined my first racing team. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 29:52

And so was this in 2021 or 2020 still? So this would have been 2021, yeah, for sure.

SPEAKER_00 30:00

Oh, okay. And that was again like more, better, faster became like my thing. And and hiring a coach and wanting to get better and and do these races, which again, super dangerous. Um I had done a couple of uh road races and criteriums and was just riding with some just amazing athletes that I found um to be super inspiring, but I also know also kind of like played into insecurities, you know, with my own body and stuff like that. So um, because the the funny thing about um, well, one of the things about cycling is you have this thing called uh power to weight ratio, in that you yeah, because on a because also on a bike, it's like very mathematical. You can only go as fast, as much power as you can produce relative to your body weight. Okay. And so your weight um becomes a limiting factor. Um, but it's also like how much muscle you can build, and that also is a lot to do with like hill climbing and stuff like that. So we yeah. So I had so I joined this racing team and it was a fun time, but I definitely know that that was kind of like the beginning now of like wanting to drink because there was a lot of like social stuff involved with that too.

SPEAKER_02 31:20

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_00 31:21

And so, um, so yeah, and then like near the end of 2021, we hadn't been anywhere with COVID, and I had uh signed up to do this week-long gravel riding in the Canary Islands. So it was like literally riding your bike on volcanoes over there, and it was how cool. First time you know, I'd been anywhere in two years, and being with people that I'd never met before, other athletes, and um had just a magical week. And then if at the end of that week, I I found myself on the other side of the world with a new group of friends sitting around a table eating paella, and everybody was drinking this beautiful glass of Rioja. And I said, wow, if I had a glass, like nobody here knows me. I can just do it and nobody would ever really know. And so I did. I had this glass of Rioja, and I got to feel part of a it's like that, that's part of the thing about not drinking, right? Is you you can often feel like you're not part of the group. And so at the end of that week, that's just really what I wanted. And so I did and came back and thought, okay, nobody, nobody ever has to know about that. I'm just I'm just done.

SPEAKER_01 32:41

And you felt fine while you were drinking, or were you scared at all? Did you just have limit it to the one glass?

SPEAKER_00 32:49

Yeah. I mean, I had the one glass that night. And I I mean, I remember just that one glass kind of giving me a buzz and how much I loved it. Um but yeah, going home, I was definitely of the mind that like, you know, what what happened over there stays over there, right? So I just came home and I left it. And then coming home was when I ran into all of those health problems just like a few weeks later. Um I mean, sometimes I wonder like what would have happened differently if that all hadn't happened. So yeah, I got back like late January, and it was maybe just like two weeks later that I had had this um volvulus in my intestine, which happened while I was sitting in a movie theater with my son. What is a volvulus? So somehow your intestine gets twisted. For me, I don't know if there's different kinds of volvulus, but this was a mesenteric one, which is your the artery that goes straight to your heart. Oh God.

SPEAKER_01 33:46

Okay. So very serious. Very serious. What does that pain feel like when you were sitting in the movie theater with your son?

SPEAKER_00 33:53

You know, pain is such a weird, I guess, a weird thing for me because I like to think that I'm pretty like in touch with my body, but I'm also in like able to, I guess, endure such extreme pain a lot of the time. So I don't actually remember it being painful as much as like just a pressure. I felt like I wanted to unbutton my pants and I couldn't eat. Like I couldn't eat. We had all this like great food sitting in front of us, and I couldn't eat it. And then I guess I just started to feel a little nauseous. And I went to the bathroom and I was at that point, I was I was thinking it had to be like appendicitis from what I had heard people describe that before. But I actually will never forget, and I actually still have like a little bit of PTSD when I go to this movie theater and I go into this bathroom because like yeah, I remember I apparently I was in pain because like I was on the bathroom floor. I was on the God. And I just remember wanting to be like on the cold floor and just feeling like scared because my son at the time he was um 15, like sitting in the movie theater by himself.

SPEAKER_01 34:58

And how long were you in the bathroom for?

SPEAKER_00 35:01

I don't even know, but a while, you know. I mean, I lost track of time, right? And then I, you know, but I remember kind of messaging him saying, like, I'm not feeling very well, I'll be back soon. And then I just remember kind of um graduating to like, I should probably call my husband. And so I I messaged him and said, I'm really sick. I don't think I can drive. Can you come pick us up at the at the movie theater? And at that point, when he came to pick us up, I mean when I asked him to come pick us up, I thought I was just gonna go home. But when he picked us up, I was like, I think I need to go to the hospital. And so um, they took me to the hospital and I was there overnight and they gave me the surgery. They went in laparoscopic and they couldn't find anything. So then they did the full incision and still couldn't find anything. So it was like in my mind, like I'd had this, like, why did I have this surgery? It was kind of like this weird, this weird thing. And I was in and out of there in like 48 hours. And I remember going to my primary care doctor and just saying, like, well, how do like how do I know this is never gonna happen again? This was like terrifying and shocking. And he was just kind of like, Well, I guess you don't, you know, and um, yeah, and so sure enough, just a few weeks later, we were in Hawaii for spring break. So this was like mid-March. And I I thought I was still kind of like recovering from that surgery, but I found myself not being able to eat again and the nausea returning and going to um an emergency room on Maui and then like not being able to see anything there. We ended up coming back from that early in retrospect, thinking about just how sick I was and taking dramamine like every couple hours. And yeah, and then so got home and probably had like a couple more days before I said I need to go back to the hospital. And that that was when they found the second, the intersusception, where like the intestine backs up onto itself and it and like dies effectively. And so they had to go in and operate again and take this huge chunk out of me, and then just the recovery from that of just like I think it's just like your body has to figure out like how to operate again. So yeah, uh in there for two weeks and like just dropping, dropping weight, and they uh they put in a pick line, which was like, which is like a crazy, crazy thing. Um, just to put some like nutrition in me.

SPEAKER_01 37:24

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 37:24

And uh yeah, so the the scar from those like two back to back surgeries just really like did a number on my body. Yeah. And I yeah, and so I have to say, just kind of like circling back to what we were talking about earlier with like bodybuilding, and like it's been such a like just one of those things that I'm so self-conscious about because um the rest of my body like feels so athletic, and yet I have this just incredible scar and I have all this extra skin from being overweight the way that I was. And when they do this vertical incision, you're laying down, right? And so then like when you when you stand up, then it's like i i it it's interesting. So um it's definitely been one of those things that's just been hard for me. And so after the surgeries and we talked about how um I had had this plan to go, you know, cross the Pyrenees and just like a few months later, right? So I did do that. I um, you know, got back on my bike just the the minute that I could and you know started riding and riding and um and and yeah, and I think like, you know, in that time too, like I'm thinking, Oh, I'm gonna have plastic surgery, I'm gonna get a tummy tuck because I'm just like unhappy with my body, but oh my god, it was so funny. This plastic surgeon he said, Um, oh yeah, I could totally fix that for you, but you're gonna lose your belly button in the process. That would look really strange. Yes. And so I was like, you know, maybe I'll just keep that. Like some kind of weird alien, right? Like, how were you born? You know, you don't have a belly button.

SPEAKER_01 39:06

That'd be a yeah, story starter at a cocktail party or something. Exactly, right? You know, I don't have a belly button.

unknown 39:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 39:14

So you you were going this entire year, like January you're in the canary, February, you came home and had your first sort of introduction to the vulvis thing. March, Maui, but then you were back in the hospital, and then like April, maybe you were in the hospital for a couple weeks. Yeah. Then you got back on your bike and you're heading to the Pyrenees in June.

SPEAKER_00 39:36

Yes, heading to the Pyrenees with a dear friend of mine that I made on the first trip that I made in the Canaries. Oh, okay. Yeah. And so she and I went and we did the Pyrenees together, and I had not had anything to drink in like all that time. I mean, I mean, obviously I was very sick and had not even it had not even crossed my mind. And then, you know, we go and we get on this flight to Barcelona, and of course, the first thing I do when I got on the airplane is order a glass of white wine.

SPEAKER_01 40:06

So it really kind of like, you know, and then And did you know that you were going to do that, give yourself permission to do that, or was it just kind of in the moment?

SPEAKER_00 40:15

It was it's like I want to say it was in the moment, but I knew, you know, I knew because it felt like I was kind of like replicating the the experience that I'd had before, I guess. Same same activity, some of the same people, uh, being away from home, these things. And, you know, I guess thinking about, oh, you know, like again, like it doesn't have to affect my real life. This is just a like a like a second life, you know, that I have, you know, right?

SPEAKER_01 40:48

This isn't reality. This is vacation. And well, you know, you can do whatever you want there, but it won't affect who I really am. Yeah. Yes, exactly. I think we all I think that happens to every single one of us when we're on vacation or we go someplace else where you don't have to be yourself for however long.

SPEAKER_00 41:05

Yeah, yeah, exactly. And I guess that's the thing too, right? At that point, I wasn't like thinking about I wasn't thinking about it like it was a relapse at all. Okay. I wasn't um thinking it was a problem at all. Thinking back to my earlier days of drinking uh before I got sober the first time, like when my friends and I would go to New Orleans or whatever and, you know, have a drunken time. This was so far from being that because we're riding bikes all day every day. And so it was really literally about having a glass of wine, maybe two, at dinner that night, sitting around a table, eating Basque food and talking about the day and like getting just like a little buzz on before collapsing into bed that night. So yeah, so it didn't, it just didn't feel like a problem in any way, shape, or form. And so I think that is why when I got home that I didn't feel the need to tell my husband about it. Did you continue drinking when you got home? Not immediately. Not immediately. I mean, like I I started looking for ways to, because I kind of like got sober the first time in such a vacuum, I just was so not telling. And again, I guess we had this witness relocation program. I didn't have a lot of people in my life who knew anything about me when I was drinking. And so it was not a weird thing or a red flag for me to say to a friend, like, hey, let's go meet and have a glass of wine at happy hour. And and that friend might say, like, oh, I didn't think you drank. And I was like, Yeah, well, you know, I I just decided, you know, I do now.

SPEAKER_01 42:57

You had mentioned to me that you had kind of controlled it in a way for like the better part of a year.

SPEAKER_00 43:03

Yeah, yeah. I mean, at that point though, I I'd really only done it on vacation, right? And so this was like later in the summer, and the friend would be like, let's go have a drink, and I'd say, sure, that sounds great. And I guess it was like around that fall that I decided I should tell my husband. And he was he was completely alarmed. And I He had no idea. No, he had no idea. And um and I'm telling him, like, yeah, I mean, now I know it's just like the thing that addicts do. You say, like, I've got this. Like, you don't have to worry about me. Like, I've got this. And I did have it. Like you said, I controlled it then for almost over six months. And I didn't drink at home. He and I would go out to dinner and I would have a glass of wine with dinner, and he wouldn't, he still was not drinking. Um so I definitely had like some shame around that of like, okay, he's still not drinking. And what does that say about me? But yeah, so that, so yeah, that went on for for almost like nine months until um my mom passed away in June 2023. And so I remember, you know, the day that she died going to the grocery store and like buying um ranch waters and stuff like that because they were low calorie. There was nothing like that, I feel like, when I drank before. So I went to the There wasn't Yeah. Yeah, it was like a new thing, right?

unknown 44:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 44:33

So I went to the grocery store and I bought like a 12 pack of ranch water and just kind of like unapologetically started drinking that at home that day because and my husband wasn't gonna say a word because my mom died that day. Yeah. And so, um, and that just like from there is where it like really escalated quickly. Um when my mom passed away, I was getting ready to take a another bike trip, but it was like going to me driving out to Arizona to ride with some friends. And I remember when she passed away, I was like, I should I cancel this trip? Because it was funny, because it felt like I should definitely cancel this trip. My mom just passed away. But then I was realizing like we were in this time that like there was literally like nothing to do. Like she had passed away, like they were doing the things that they do when somebody passes away. And so I talked to my sister and was kind of like, what would what would mom want me to do? She would want me to take the road trip because she was the queen of road trips. And so had this kind of like long meditative drive, thinking about my mom and meeting up with my friends in Tucson. Again, my actually again, it was my friend from um the Canary Islands in Europe, and she drove out and met us. And that week, like, hit the tequila and hit the edibles that we could buy in Arizona. No. And at that point, like I knew like this is really, this is really bad. And and I did know I knew that like in the back of my head that this was bad. Like it did not bode well. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 46:05

You told me the worst part was wanting to stop and not being able to think your way out of it.

SPEAKER_00 46:12

Yes, yes. And so I guess like that went on for literally a year and a half of drinking in the evenings while I'm making dinner. And you know, there was a thing in there too. Like, I guess it was late in the summer, early fall, oh, Labor Day weekend. I went on a trip with my son and had like a thing just like with my friends, where we went out to dinner. We were in Maine, and I ordered a glass of wine with dinner. And my son, my sweet little um, was like, I didn't think you you drank wine. I said, Well, you know, now I do. You know, it was just like, and it just thinking how many times I had to say that and it was uncomfortable. And I guess like on the surface, thinking I've got this, but in the back of my mind, knowing that I didn't. Um, so we went on like that for for a year and a half, and having dinner with my family and being just like a little bit tipsy, never getting drunk in front of my kids. Like it was always after they went to bed. And the the one and only time they they saw me drunk was at um Peter's 50th birthday. Were you there?

SPEAKER_01 47:20

Okay. Were you there? No, I had just um gotten back from a long trip either that morning or the previous night, and I just couldn't make it out, unfortunately.

SPEAKER_00 47:30

Yeah. Well, fortunately for me, you didn't have a seam was drunk. So um it sounded like a fun party though. Oh, yeah, it was a great party, and my sister makes these like bowls of of alcohol, and you don't really know like how much you're drinking.

SPEAKER_01 47:46

And oh, I know. You know. I do remember I had just gotten back from Ragbury the night before. Oh yeah, so as you can imagine, um, I was exhausted after being I was two weeks on the road riding. I think it was I was over 550 miles or something over that week riding that. Yes, and you're like sleeping on the ground and stuff, right? We were camping ever most every night. Um, it was it's it's a tough week. It really is. So, and then we drove out there. So, you know, the the road trip in and itself. And then I remember I had gotten back to Seattle and the morning of Peter's party, I found out a a friend of mine had died from breast cancer that morning. Same kind of cancer that I had had. So I think just all of that just was too much for me. And I said, I can't go be social at a party right now. I'm too exhausted, and I'm not mentally in a a good space for that.

SPEAKER_00 48:42

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 48:43

Yeah. So anyway, sorry to derail from your story, but yeah, that's why I couldn't make it out. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 48:49

So I guess that's like a year after, and uh my husband at that point is begging me to quit. And I and I want to quit. Like I don't want to be hurting him, and I don't want to be putting this like stress on my family. Um, but yeah, so I'm like listening to podcasts and uh how to get sober without working a 12-step program, how to get sober without thought, like all the things that I thought the way that I wanted to do it, you know. Again, it's like me trying to like manage and and control um everything.

SPEAKER_01 49:27

So was there a treatment program or something that you signed up for to help?

SPEAKER_00 49:31

Yes. So in early December, I can literally only describe it as like um some kind of divine intervention or spiritual awakening. I I just I woke up one day and I just like had had enough. And I'm like, there are people who, you know, have the same issue that I do, and there's treatment for it. And so at that point too, I um I really just saw it as a way of um breaking the cycle. And I think that when I did get sober the first time, I saw it as a habit. I didn't see it as that I had had an addiction. I thought it was like a habit that I needed to break, like chewing on my fingernails. Um so yeah, I told my husband like I I needed to go to treatment. I wanted to go to treatment and I wanted to do it outside of Texas so that I could like really distance myself and not feel like if I absolutely could, I could drive home if I wanted to. Um I went to an uh inpatient treatment program for 30 days in um January of 2024.

SPEAKER_01 50:36

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 50:36

And that actually got you sober. So it's funny. I would say that it was the thing that needed to happen to help get me sober. Like when I got there, I was still not willing to admit that I was an alcoholic. I was still um, you know, I remember they asked me, like, do you think you are an alcoholic? And I said, I'm not sure. Um, but you know, went through went through all the motions. And at the end of it, I remember my my therapist there saying, Okay, now I want you to go home and do 90 meetings in 90 days. And I was kind of like, You've got to be shitting me. That's crazy. Um, especially when I didn't even go to a single um 12-step meeting while I was there.

SPEAKER_01 51:17

Um and then they immediately wanted to start you with a 12-step program coming out. That seems strange to me.

SPEAKER_00 51:24

Yeah, yeah. I mean, I think because I was just so avoiding it while I was there. I told myself to a certain degree that like my my drinking was a result of anxiety and depression. And once I got that under control, then like maybe I wouldn't need to drink anymore. So um yeah. So, but then I came back and everything was like a little bit of mess with my family. And I didn't know like how I was gonna commit to doing 90 meetings in 90 days when I had bike riding to do. Um But I said, okay, this is like total insanity. Like I need to hang up the bike riding, like uh and like put the energy that I would have been putting into riding into my recovery. Okay. Did you then stop exercising and focus entirely on your recovery? Almost, almost completely. I mean, I think I was riding just like two or three days a week. In the afternoon, I'd go just a little bit. But yeah, I mean, for the most part, this like 12 steps like took over my life with a new kind of purpose. And it was one of those things too where I found again, like I guess what I found in cycling initially, like I found community. And so then I did the 90 meetings in 90 days, and I found I wanted to do more. Congratulations. It was hard for me to step back from going like every day. Um, but I think I back to like five a week, and I still go three a week. So fantastic. That's great. And I think at the time too, like when I started that, I thought there was gonna be some kind of like graduation from it. And obviously, what I know now is that there is absolutely no graduation. You just something you have to do for the rest of your life.

SPEAKER_01 53:06

Like any kind of self-care, we have to stick with it. Otherwise, who knows what happens. We relapse, we tank, something happens to our bodies. Yeah. Yes, yes, absolutely. If you see something that's like working, you stick with it. Or you try to at least.

SPEAKER_00 53:24

Yeah, yeah. And and you just commit to do like the thing that I love about my program is that it's not a lifetime commitment. It's a one-day commitment. Like you just commit to doing the the next right thing one day at a time.

SPEAKER_01 53:38

I love that. So you stopped really exercising and then it came around to earlier this year when you did step on that scale and you'd r realized that you had dropped another 15 or 20 pounds when it all just kind of dawned on you that this isn't how I want to see myself and maybe not how I want to be living my life. And then you heard the Elizabeth Smart interview. Yes.

SPEAKER_00 54:05

Yes. And I think that part of that realization too was when I separated from my husband, like one of my things that I that I knew that I wanted to do was like be committing to longevity and taking care of my body and my mind. And the first thing I started doing when I didn't have to be like making dinner for my children every night was eating Cheez-Its for dinner, you know, and like kind of know that it's just what very quickly took a toll on my body. And also, I think not lifting, not riding, um, not socializing. I mean, it was it was kind of a you know, a dark couple of months, you know, being on my own for really the first time in 25 years or something like that.

SPEAKER_01 54:49

Yeah, I can't imagine how different your life looked and felt every morning when you woke up. Um, so what's next for you?

SPEAKER_00 54:57

Where do we go from here? So, where do we go from here? I am um working with, like I said, this wonderful coach um that I adore because she's so like holistic in her program. I also um met just randomly at the grocery store another female bodybuilder. So love that. Yeah, she approached me and um it's funny, she's like five months postpartum. And so she's doing that, but she, I mean, she is a legit bodybuilder. So she How long has she been doing it? Many years. I mean, like, and yeah, many years. Um, so it's kind of cool like that I've got this local friend that does it, and she's much younger than me too. And the woman that I have in California, Jen, my coach, she's my age and she had dabbled in triathlon and all that kind of thing. But um, yeah, so I'm kind of I find myself going down this path and how um it's so different than anything I've done before because even though it's like I'm very committed and I'm very focused to it, it's not taking like the time really that the other things did, right? I mean, it it's taking time in different ways and then I'm being very like purposeful about the things that I'm eating, but like I'm not spending spending hours on the bike every day. So Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 56:19

Cycling is a is a time commitment for sure. Yes. Where I imagine, you know, getting in the gym and training your body in a different way doesn't take six hours a day, or maybe it does.

SPEAKER_00 56:31

It takes an hour, you know, an hour. And that's um, I mean, I guess going back to the Elizabeth Smart stuff, like it is about finding like finding that strength and seeing the just watching, I guess, your body like transform and feeling that strength and also just how good it feels to be eating the right kinds of foods to fuel exactly what you're doing. Whereas I feel like when I was doing a lot of writing, like it was just about literally about calorie replacement calories. And so, like, you know, would be consuming huge handfuls of sour patch kids, you know. You know, because that was what that was what my body needed when it was doing that. Now it's about like four meals a day with uh plenty of carbs, plenty of protein, plenty of healthy fats, and uh plant-based for the most part. So and that's and that's kind of been a challenge to find how to get those proteins in um without a lot of meat, but she also has me tracking fiber, and I think that's been really good for me too. So a lot of yeah, beans and grains and all that kind of thing. So when's your first competition? So if I decide to do that, um, I'm thinking next fall. I'm thinking how exciting. Yeah, that's exciting. I think um in a couple weeks I'm gonna be starting my first um build phase. So everything until now has been like high reps. And I think that in the build phase, I'm not entirely sure because it's all uncharted territory for me, but I think it's you do a lot of carbs and you do a lot fewer reps.

SPEAKER_01 58:07

So Oh, okay. That's a whole new world for me. I'm yeah, I do some weights a few times a week and that's about it.

SPEAKER_00 58:16

Yeah, but it's so good for us, it's good for everybody. But I mean, especially like at this stage in life, even though I still love to get out on my bike a couple days a week, I feel like just getting out there, it's joyful for me and it gives me something like being with people and being outside, like kind of being in the gym is is more solitary and um kind of nose to the grindstone. So yeah, the whole experience has, I guess, actually brought me full circle on cycling too, because even though I never would have admitted it in the time, like when I was in the throes of doing all that writing, like I did lose some of the joy in that. It's easy to do. So much more about more better, you know. And so I'm I'm really trying to walk like that line this time. Like I do not want foray into bodybuilding and nutrition to like to be a transfer addiction, you know. Like I'm working so hard to make sure that it is healthy and like adding to my lifestyle and my life, my longevity, I hope. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 59:18

Well, Annie, thank you so much for talking with me today. I think it's just incredible that you're doing this bodybuilding. Honestly, you had seen all these photographs. I feel like when we were younger in the 80s, like you saw bodybuilders everywhere, just kind of greased up and tan and beautiful. And then it just kind of falls, you know, off to the side. But I I the older I get, the more women, especially, I see are getting into it. And I came across this woman on Instagram, and I think she was in her mid to late 70s when she started lifting weights. For whatever reason, her doctor was like, go lift weights. It'll be good for you as you age.

SPEAKER_02 59:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 59:56

And now she's become like a bodybuilder. And I think it's just fantastic. And then the whole Elizabeth Smart story, I when I saw that, I guess probably around the same time you did, you know, six or so months ago, I was like, wow, it's just incredible. Um, the things that we can do with our bodies. And hey, man, if you find joy in something, go for it. Yes, absolutely. Absolutely. Before I go, I've got one more question for you. What is one of the kindest things someone has ever done for you?

SPEAKER_00 1:00:24

So I knew you were gonna ask me this, so I was thinking about it ahead of time. So I was thinking that um when you're out riding a bike, especially in Texas, um, you kind of you encounter like the best and the worst of humanity. Like this is absolutely true. I mean, like you in Texas, there are like some people who are pretty like anti-people, you know, bikes being out on the road. But so one time when I was Iron Man training in the middle of nowhere, I had these two water bottles on the back of my bike, like behind my seat. And I was out there just in the middle of nowhere. It was probably a hundred degrees outside. And um I was riding along and I heard like there was a truck coming up behind me and he was driving like very slowly. And I just remember like kind of like fight or flight taking over. I'm like, what am I gonna do? Nobody around. There's nobody around. What am I gonna do? And I looked over and he held up my water bottle. I had and I had gone, um I had gone over some railroad tracks and the and the water bottle fell off the back of my bike. I mean, it was just like a kind of a beautiful moment in humanity where I was like expecting the worst and getting like the best of humanity.

SPEAKER_01 1:01:42

So I love to hear that because it's so true, especially for women. We have a lot of that fight or flight, and when somebody completely shocks you and you're like, oh, thank you. Yeah, I needed that. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:55

Yeah, that was a lot of years ago. But I mean, like, it's just always stuck with me. And just thinking about all the times, yeah, that I've been broken down on the side of the road and people stop and ask, you know, do you need help? Do you need water? Like all these things. So it's one of those things I love.

SPEAKER_01 1:02:12

Well, thank you again for coming on today. Um, listeners, viewers, if you have any questions for Annie, you can always reach out to us and we will get in touch with Annie. Our email is that wasn't the planpod at gmail.com, or you can reach us through our website at thatwasn't theplan.com or find us on the social medias. Um, and please, as always, go into wherever you're listening or watching and rate and review us. We love those five stars. Yeah, Annie, thank you again. This was wonderful. And until next time, I will say goodbye. Thank you, Emily. It was super fun. I appreciate it. Oh, good. Okay, talk to you later. Bye. Bye. Thanks for listening to That Wasn't the Plan. If you found it helpful or at least mildly entertaining, a quick grading, review, and a click on the subscribe button would be lovely. And it genuinely helps us. And if a friend comes to mind, please share. Until next time. Bye.