Emily White (00:00)
Hello Courtney.

Courtney (00:01)
Hi Emily.

Emily White (00:02)
Hi everyone. Welcome to That Wasn't the Plan. This is our first episode.

Courtney (00:06)
We're gonna kill it. Like that cancer.

Emily White (00:08)
We are gonna kill it. It's gonna be... Yeah, fuck that cancer. Seriously.

Where do we start?

Courtney (00:15)
Let's, I'd like to hear the actual cancer, the real plug you've got for it.

Emily White (00:20)
That cancer is so awesome. Like, am I just plugging it away?

Courtney (00:25)
No, I mean like the,

like your, your story. ⁓

Emily White (00:28)
My story, all right, so

for everyone out there listening, I was diagnosed almost four years ago now with breast cancer, two types of breast cancer in my left breast. One type was DCIS, which is common.

The other is also common, but not as common. It was invasive ductal carcinoma. It is hormone positive, and that means estrogen and progesterone positive. So the hormones in my body were creating the cancer and trying to kill me. I had seen a dent in my left breast for at least a year.

and kind of thought nothing of it. I had known that my sister had a similar dent. She had breast cancer. She was diagnosed when she was 28. that was, gosh, Courtney, you remember this, like 22 years ago when we went and did some Susan G. Komen walks. yeah. I didn't think anything of the dent, though. I've just thought, my sister had it, I have it. It's probably my mom has it. Just nothing to think of.

Courtney (01:19)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Emily White (01:32)
So I just thought it was normal. And one Christmas I was home, it'll be Christmas coming up here four years ago. I was kind of drinking with my sister-in-law who is a nurse and she has worked for decades in the oncology ward.

Courtney (01:38)
Christmas.

Emily White (01:47)
And we were just talking about what it's like to be a woman getting older and the changes, achy this and how it's not easy. I was like, yeah, and I've got this dent in my left breast. And she said, you should probably get that checked out. And that's kind of when I had my first freak out.

Courtney (02:05)
right after she said that to you, you were like, ahhhh! Just screamed. Look at it! Look at it!

Emily White (02:08)
No. Yeah, I write that in there tore off all my clothes and ran around her living room just terrified.

Yeah, that's exactly what happened. I mean, she's a nurse. I should have had her look at it and like feel it, I, you know, she did not, she didn't offer it up and I was not, I'm, yeah, I did not want to go there with her. Snapping on the rubber gloves.

Courtney (02:23)
I mean, I might have done that. I get it. That's like, needed... Yeah.

Touch it! She didn't offer it up. She wasn't like, want me to take a peek? Yeah.

She just has them in her purse. She's a real nurse, man. I bet she does. Most nurses should have them just because you know people are going to be like, will you look at this thing on my anus because I'm concerned. Find a nickel.

Emily White (02:46)
I

Yeah, on my anus.

Courtney (03:00)
I can feel it with my finger. Can you take a peek at it? Holy cannoli.

Emily White (03:04)
It's this dingley thing. Anyway, so I came home to Sea I came back to Seattle and I just kind of sat on it for a couple of weeks. And then finally I had enough courage in the shower and I felt around with soap. And yeah, there was a lump there. So I think that was on like a Friday or maybe it was a Sunday morning or something and I really did freak out.

Courtney (03:06)
Yeah. Sorry. ⁓

Fudge. ⁓

Emily White (03:27)
I called my brother immediately and I was like, look, I felt this lump. I'm freaking out. And you just, yeah, I know. We're very close. And then I just went down a spiral into a dark rabbit hole that day. And the next morning,

Courtney (03:31)
That's sweet that your brother's your call. Like you called him, you're like.

Were you like laying

around crying? Were you on your phone looking up stuff? Like I'm trying to picture it.

Emily White (03:48)
No, think I cried. I definitely sat there and stared and just, you go to places that you don't normally think about ⁓ death. What's gonna happen to my house? Are my finances in order? What will happen to my cat? All of a sudden, this is where I went. And I was like, I'm not gonna be here to see this. My niece and nephew, I'm never gonna get married.

Courtney (04:02)
⁓ Emily, bless your heart.

⁓

Emily White (04:13)
find the love of my life, all of that. So the next morning, I think I probably went and bought a bottle of vodka or a bottle of wine or something and you know, got drunk. ⁓

Courtney (04:20)
Atta girl, atta girl. Svetka,

what is your vodka choice? I'm curious.

Emily White (04:25)
I usually go Titos these days if I'm drinking, but I stopped by an alcohol for the house because if it's here, I'm just going to drink it and I don't need to drink that much anymore. And honestly, it makes me sick these days. I usually have like, if I'm going out to dinner doing something, it'll be like one, maybe two, sometimes a little bit more. But I try not to because I feel like shit. But that's it. Those are stories for another day, for another episode.

Courtney (04:36)
Good.

The other podcast, yeah.

Emily White (04:50)
Next morning, Monday morning, I called the hospital and said I need to get a mammogram. And they were like, you can't get a mammogram without your doctor's approval. Because at that point in our history, in the United States here, I wasn't 45, which was the age in which you can go get mammograms. I was only 43.

They said you can get in with your regular doctor, your general practitioner, in a month. That's the earliest available. So I had to wait for a month. I went in, saw her. She felt a lump. And then she's like, I'm going to get you an mammogram. So that happened within, think, I think it took an actually no. She was like, we'll schedule you for a mammogram. But I couldn't get in for another month. And at this point, I'm.

Courtney (05:12)
my. Bye!

Emily White (05:29)
living with this thing that only my brother and then my friend Becky up here knew about. I didn't tell anybody else because I just didn't want to raise the alarm. I mean, yeah, it could have been. I found a lump. I don't know.

Courtney (05:37)
⁓ man, I would have. Big time. Help! Help me! For real, sorry.

Emily White (05:50)
And so finally I got in for my mammogram and it showed a dark mass and they were like, we need to get you in for an emergency biopsy. So finally within like two or three days, they got me in for a biopsy and that's when it hit. I'm lying on this biopsy table and they just put a little numbing cream like on the area and then they come out with what looks like, you know, one of those like.

big industrial glue guns. It looks like a fucking gun and it's got the tube on it and out. It looks like that, except it's got like the claw thing. So basically what it is, it's a needle. It's a big gauge, long needle that goes in and it's got a claw thing and they like claws out sections of the mass. it's tiny, ⁓ but it's big enough. Yeah.

Courtney (06:17)
Yeah.

How big of a claw is this? ⁓

Emily White (06:39)
And every time it it claws, it sound, it's this big gun. It's like gunk, gunk, gunk. it's this big pressure and I lost my shit. Lying there on this table, was crying, hysterically crying. I am shaking. I am blotched red. They had to stop the procedure and the nurses were like, are you gonna be okay?

Courtney (06:39)
me.

Thank

Oh gosh, of course, of course. Oh yeah.

Emily White (07:03)
And I was in there like, do we need to go get somebody? I'm like, nobody's here with me. Nobody told me I needed a driver or somebody to come and escort me. And they're like, yeah, you should really have somebody with you. I was like, like, this is all new for me. I'm single. I don't live with anybody. I drive myself. I do everything. ⁓

Courtney (07:04)
⁓ god.

independent woman.

Emily White (07:21)
That's right, independent women. So that was traumatizing. I go home, I calm myself down, and I think we'll get results within a week to 10, 12 days or something. So then another week passes, and I get it. It's like now it's a Saturday morning, and I remember I'm eating breakfast at like 8 AM. And I get this call.

And it was a local number and I was like, think I am expecting a call, so I should probably answer it. And I answered it and it was this lovely nurse and this very thick Russian accent. But I could understand her and she was just the sweetest could be, but just coming across in Russian, she was like, and you've got cancer. Yeah. And I just sat there for a moment and I was like, okay, okay. And she's like, this is what you need to do.

Courtney (08:02)
You've got the CANCER!

Emily White (08:09)
Do not go online. Do not go to any other web. She gave me three websites to go to, think, like ⁓ cancer.com, breastcancer.com, and the American Cancer Society or something. She's like, these are the three websites you're allowed to go to. if you start Googling, you're just going to go to a really dark place. You're going to see a lot of information that doesn't pertain to you. Just don't do it for now. Save yourself.

Courtney (08:19)
Right.

Thank

goodness, thank goodness they have a person that tells you that right from the jump. That's helpful.

Emily White (08:34)
Thank

Yeah,

it was very helpful. And I didn't. So I listened to her. she's like, on Tuesday, somebody's going to call you. And they're going to schedule a full day of doctor's appointments for the following Tuesday or whenever it will be. And granted, this was right out of COVID. So Washington state or Seattle, to be specific.

had just lifted their quarantine, literally had just lifted their quarantine. So people are now getting out, but everything is still video conference and doing all that. So she's like, we're not meeting in person anymore. You'll have a six to eight video conferences all in one Tuesday, recommend like you bring a friend or two so they can listen and take notes for you and that sort of thing.

Courtney (09:03)
Right.

Emily White (09:17)
So I got off the phone with her, and I called my brother, and I was like, look, I've got cancer. Please don't tell the rest of the family. And then I called my friend Becky, I was like, I've got cancer. She's like, let's go out for a drink. And I was like, absolutely. Let's go do that.

some time passes, I go through all these video conferences and they're like, we're gonna do a number of genetic tests for you that will give us a broader picture of what's really going on. So at this point, I still hadn't told anybody in my family. I had told maybe three friends. ⁓ I...

Courtney (09:43)
Why is that?

Why did you keep it so?

Emily White (09:46)
Because my mom and my sister, as lovely as they are, tend to get a little hysterical and...

Courtney (09:53)
I would

be the sister of the mom on my side, my family. That's how I would be described. So I get it.

Emily White (09:58)
I

wanted to approach my family with all the facts. This is the type of cancer I have. These are the surgeries I'm gonna have. This is the treatment plan I'm gonna have. They don't live here, they live in Colorado. So I just didn't want to leave any loose ends. I wanted everything to kind of be tied up before I told anybody. So I went and I had these appointments and then I had eight vials of blood drawn for all my genetic testing.

Courtney (10:24)
Thank

Emily White (10:26)
I don't eat beef. And immediately after I went and got a cheeseburger because I was like, low on iron. that's all I wanted. so I got all my blood drawn on a Monday. That Friday, I'm driving downtown to go to a comedy show. And yeah, it was great. My friend, Sarah Beth, took me out. We went out for some dinner and then we went to a comedy show.

Courtney (10:30)
Yeah. Yeah.

That's smart.

Emily White (10:47)
on my way driving there, I get a call from the hospital and they're like, did you get your genetic testing, the vials and blood drawn? And I was like, yeah, I did that Monday. And they're like, okay, we thought so, but they've lost your blood. I'm like, how the fuck do they lose eight vials of blood? She's like, yeah, we're not sure. And I was like, okay, they're probably on the black market somewhere.

Courtney (11:01)
Whoa.

Emily White (11:08)
Anyway, she's like, you need to go in right now and get him redrawn. And I was like, I can't go now. I can go Monday. So anyways, everything kept getting pushed back. There were all these little things that kept getting everything pushed back. I finally get my genetic testing back. I finally have an in-person appointment with my surgeon. And we're on track. So it was about a week before my first surgery. I'll just preface it with that.

I finally told my family. I called my dad, and I said, hey, dad, what are you doing? He's like, I'm driving. And I was like, OK, are you with mom? He's like, no, your mom's home resting. And he's like, why? What's up? And I was like, ⁓ well, I guess I'll just tell you, and then I can tell mom too. And I was like, I've got cancer. And he paused for a moment. And I said,

Courtney (11:46)
⁓

Emily White (11:49)
And here's the thing. It's this type of breast cancer. I'm going in for my first surgery next week. I've got my genetic testing. I've got everything lined up. Everything's as good as it can be. He said, let me get home, and then you can call your mother. I called my mom. And she was like, OK.

⁓ And my mom, she was having some health issues at the time and you know, doing her own thing. She's like, okay, well, you just let us know what you need. Yeah, I was like, okay, I'll let you know what I need. And all I could think back to was when my sister had cancer 20 some odd years ago, how they were there for her.

Courtney (12:03)
Alright, have fun!

Bless her father.

friends!

Emily White (12:26)
Night and day, my mom offered to shave her head in solidarity with my sister and all of this. And of course, immediately you're just like, well, why am I not getting the same fucking attention? But I had to nip that in the bud immediately because I can't compare anything. so much time has passed. I'm I'm in a mature adult. My sister was very young. I don't live in the same city. My mom is not doing well these days. was like, just Emily, you just have to drop it. And so I did.

Courtney (12:42)
It's true. It's true.

Good for you.

Emily White (12:55)
Yeah, it took a minute, but I was able to come to terms and be like, that's OK. I have family out here, and they're the ones who are going to be supporting me. So go in for my first lumpectomy, because at this point, they had said, you're going to have a lumpectomy and some radiation.

Courtney (13:10)
Cool.

Emily White (13:10)
and you're

gonna be done. And I said, great, what's the recovery like for the lumpectomy? And they're like, it's gonna take about a month. you know, might wanna don't plan anything major. You're probably gonna wanna take two weeks, maybe a month off work. And I'm a freelancer, have been, you my entire career. So I was like, all right, I just won't take any jobs for that month. Even though the phone kept ringing for jobs. And I had to tell everybody no, and I was like, shit, of course.

Courtney (13:29)
gosh. ⁓

Emily White (13:33)
Like when I need the money to pay for all of this and to help support myself for the months coming when I'm probably not going to be working much, I have to turn down all this work. a few people I did. Yeah, in fact, I did because I was like, look, I was just diagnosed with cancer. I have to go in for a surgery. I'll be back up and running in, I don't know, like a couple of weeks or at the end of, yeah, yeah.

Courtney (13:41)
Were you telling them that you had cancer? I can't. I've got cancer.

Yeah, just get the knowledge out there. People will know that what's going down. That's what I would do

for sure.

Emily White (13:59)
Yeah,

so I think at this point, my first surgery was at the end of April. And so I was like, all right, come June, I'm going to be back working again. I come home from my first surgery. They give me Percocet, which is the devil's drug. I hate that drug so much. I had, yeah. I like Vicodin.

Courtney (14:13)
I don't think it's so bad. We see it in different ways. I

like it too.

Emily White (14:26)
But anyways, I had developed and I'm at a loss for what it is, but it makes your heart palpitate like crazy and you think you're gonna die and it can actually kill you. No, but it's something that the Percocet does to your system and I can't for the life of me think of what the term is. If I can remember, I will pop that back in here somewhere. so I was having major side effects with that.

Courtney (14:36)
Is it an opiate?

⁓ I see, gotcha.

Emily White (14:49)
My friend Karri offered to stay the night with me that first night, which, God send I had these friends taking me to the hospital, dropping me off, other friends picking me up, bringing me home, other friends buying me grocery stocking in my fridge. Karri came over. She's like, I'm going to go buy a bottle of wine and sleep on your couch. And I was like, whatever. As long as there's a human here, I'll be fine, except I wasn't. K-A-R-R-I. Yeah, go Karri.

Courtney (14:55)
I can't read.

Heck yes. Freaking. Yeah, Karri. Okay, girl. Yep.

How does Karri spell her name with a C or a K?

Hell yeah, Karri!

Emily White (15:19)
She

was one of many who stayed the night with me. Becky also stayed the night, Sarah Beth, LeDawn, you. So first surgery and they're like, we'll get the results within the week. They get the results. I get a call from my surgeon. He's like, your margins still aren't clear. We have to go back in for a second lumpectomy. And I was like, well, fuck. At this point, yeah, so the margins around

Courtney (15:25)
Sarah Beth Ladon, me, Karri Benton.

Your margins aren't clear.

Emily White (15:46)
where they think they've taken the tumor out, the other cells and the other tissue around that tumor still have signs of the tumor. Or like they didn't take out enough of the tumor to get like the clear bits on the outside. I'm not doctor. If you're a doctor or nurse and know how this works, please chime in, email us, let us know. But it's something, yeah, it's something to that effect.

Courtney (15:48)
Mm-hmm.

Gotcha.

that saying, like, the margins aren't clear. Yeah.

Emily White (16:13)
So I was like, well, shit, because we had discussed getting a mastectomy. And I was like, I've seen so many botched boob jobs from mastectomies. I just didn't even want to do that, especially when they were like, your cancer's not that bad. Your tumor's not that big. It'll just do one lungctomy and radiation and be fine. So I was like, right, like, leave my tits alone. So now I'm scheduled for a second surgery. And things are starting to get a little real.

Courtney (16:33)
Okay.

Emily White (16:37)
the day before I'm supposed to go in, they call and say, now we're pushing it out another day. And I have to now get a hold of friends and be like, because this is Monday through Friday and everybody's got a job. So I'm really, really relying on people here.

Courtney (16:49)
Now is this an outpatient procedure? Okay.

Emily White (16:51)
Yeah, so I go in

in the morning or whenever it is, they drug me up, do the surgery, and then I'm home by the end of the day. ⁓ they put me down completely. Yeah, I'm completely out and under, No, So go in for my second surgery, do the whole thing, the whole shebang, know, blah, blah, blah, come out of that.

Courtney (16:57)
drug you up or do they put you down or put you out? Yeah, okay. That's what I thought.

not just watching like, ⁓

Emily White (17:12)
I'm home resting. Another week goes by. I get a call from my oncologist, who I had never expected to hear from again, because everyone was like, you don't need chemo. And so I get a call from my oncologist, and he's like, all right, your cancer's a bit more aggressive than we had originally thought. Your oncotype score is really high for your age. We're going to have to do chemo.

So we need to schedule you to come in. It's like a two hour consultation to go through everything chemotherapy. So I get that on the books. I'm bringing my friend Amy with me. And we're literally in my car driving to the hospital to go to this two hour consultation for chemotherapy when my surgeon calls. And he said, your margins still aren't clear. We have to do a third lump ectomy.

Courtney (17:41)
Hell yeah, Amy.

Emily White (17:53)
and I was like, all right, I'm literally in the car right now on my way to the chemo consultation. You need to call my oncologist and tell him this because I don't know what, I was, I was getting a little feisty with them. I was like, you need to tell them what's going on because I don't know what to do. Do I go in for this thing? And like, do I push that back? Because I can't do chemo until my, till I've healed from surgery. And if I have to go in back in for another surgery, that's another month out.

Courtney (18:00)
you need to cough. ⁓ damn.

Yeah.

Emily White (18:18)
And I'm already on the books for chemo next week. So I find they do their thing and they call me they're like, turn around, go home. You can't go to this chemo consultation right now. And so within three or four days, I go back in for another surgery. Same deal. They put me out under. I have to call friends, stay the night. Who's available? this point, it's just becoming a sad. It's becoming Groundhog Day is what it is. And at this point, I had started all of this.

Courtney (18:18)
Emily, my goodness.

Yeah.

Emily White (18:45)
I found my lump in January. It is now the middle of May by the time I'm doing my third surgery. And the disease is not out of my body. my Aunt Margaret, who was diagnosed with breast cancer shortly after my sister was, but hers wasn't as invasive, she only had to do one lumpectomy and some radiation. She calls me up out of the blue. And she was like, hey, sweetheart. I'm coming to stay with you.

Courtney (18:48)
Ay yai yai

Margaret!

Emily White (19:06)
Yeah, I know, I know.

And I was like, all right. She's like, when are you done with your surgery? When are you going to be healed? When are you starting chemotherapy? She's just the sweetest. I know. she came out a couple days before my first round of chemo. And I got her settled into the guest room here. ⁓ thanks.

Courtney (19:26)
which is lovely, by the way.

Emily White (19:28)
So go through my third surgery and we're, you know, I finally go to my chemo consultation this time by myself, because no one was available to come with me. And you know, it's all the do's and don'ts that you can't do during chemotherapy. Like everything in your house has to be clean at all times, yourself included. there can't be any bacteria, germs anywhere because your immune system is completely shot. You know, I've got a kitty, I can't clean her litter box. I have to have somebody else do it.

Courtney (19:43)
I mean that makes sense for sure yeah.

⁓

yeah. Hi, everybody. Just.

Emily White (19:56)
Yep. So, or I have to wear like gloves and a mask, because

you know, well, I live alone. I have to be able to do it at some point because there is a toxin in cats' feces that can really make you sick. And it's the same goes for pregnant women. not, they advise against ⁓ cleaning the lit, cleaning the kitty box. yeah, Aunt Margaret comes out.

Courtney (20:05)
Well yeah, my god.

Cleaning the lit.

Emily White (20:18)
she came out just in time for me to get the god awful chest port put in. And I think I complained about that every fucking day for six months. That thing hurt like a motherfucker. they give you twilight sedation when you go in for it. It's not like a, it's not a full surgery. You're not really awake, but you're kind of in the room and then they put you out. So it's this thing, they slice open your chest and they put this thing in and then they.

Courtney (20:22)
⁓ the chest port.

See that? Yeah. So you're like, mmm.

Emily White (20:42)
You have two incisions in your chest. I don't know if you can still see any scars. Maybe not. Anyway, so and then it's like a tube that wraps around and it kind of goes down into your heart a little bit so that when they pump you full of the chemo drugs, it immediately goes to your system and it's also to help with like intravenous so you don't have, it's not going into your veins every time because it can really mess those up.

Courtney (20:48)
I bet you can.

It shouldn't be cray.

Yeah.

Emily White (21:05)
So the chest ports are amazing, they're a good thing, but for me, the way they attached it to the muscle or whatever my body did, it just did not agree. And I couldn't lift anything more than 10 pounds ever, so I couldn't pick up my cat, because she's a good hefty 20 pounds. Yeah, but when I adopted her, she was 18 pounds, so that's not on me.

Courtney (21:13)
heart, my gosh.

She's a 20 pound cat.

But she did gain two more pounds when she...

Emily White (21:33)
She, mean, we were stuck inside. I adopted her the Thanksgiving before COVID. So she only really had three months of me not being home. And then we were forced in quarantine together for two years. And all we each did was eat and drink. I mean, it's what we got included, except for you. Anyways, so yeah, she gained a couple pounds. But anyways, I couldn't pick up my cat. couldn't.

Courtney (21:44)
Yeah.

what the world did, that's what we all did.

No big deal.

Emily White (21:56)
It was just hard to do anything with that chest port thank God. No, she's, she doesn't really like it that much, which is fine. She's a little fickle that way. Yeah, a fickle pickle.

Courtney (21:58)
Does she let you pick her up regularly? Are you able to pick up that cat regularly? I was gonna say, she's a little fickle, isn't she?

That is fine. She's a fickle pickle that girl.

Emily White (22:12)
So we go in for my first round of chemo.

Courtney (22:14)
Mm.

Emily White (22:14)
And my

nurses there are very pleasant and nice. I could not do the cold cap therapy that's offered to people to help keep and preserve your hair. My insurance didn't cover it. It's very expensive. And I just didn't have the money. And I thought, well, fuck it. I'll just lose my hair. So going for the chemo. Came home. You know, I felt pretty good that day.

But the strangest thing after my first round of chemo was I lost my taste buds immediately. I came home to some beautiful raspberries that I had just purchased and I couldn't taste them at all. And I asked my aunt, I was like, do these taste off? And she's like, no, they're delicious. And I was like, my God, there goes my taste buds. Next morning woke up and I was shitting blood that's when that began. Yeah. And it wasn't bad. wasn't, I did call my nurse because they were like, if that happens, call us.

And I explained the situation and what it looked like. And she was like, that's pretty normal. But my guts, I was running to the bathroom every 10 seconds. And that didn't really stop until a month or two after chemotherapy was done. So I started chemo in June. I wasn't done until September, because my chemo was on a 21-day cycle. So every 21 days, I'd go in.

Courtney (23:22)
Poof.

Emily White (23:28)
and it's kind of like a negative bell curve where you get chemo and you start to feel really, really shitty and then you hit rock bottom around like day 12-ish and then you start to feel better and then you go back in for chemo again and then you do that. I knew I was gonna lose my hair so about five days after my first chemo I went in and got my hair completely chopped off into like a little cute

Courtney (23:40)
⁓ Yeah.

Emily White (23:51)
pixie cut, sort of pixie little boy cut. And I shouldn't have done that because it was like, I had to pay my stylist what, like $100 or $200 to make this cute cut? And three days after that, I woke up one morning and there was hair all over my pillow. I went in the shower and I could feel it running down my body. And then I looked in the mirror and I had this bald patch right here. And I started to lose it all up.

Courtney (23:51)
Pixel? Yeah, yeah.

my god.

Woohoo! So...

Emily White (24:20)
Like that's where it's, I still had it in the, I had like male pattern baldness. It was really sexy. So we still had errands and stuff to run. So I'm like running around town, like with a giant comb over. Yeah, it was really, I have pictures. I'll put them up. It was fucking hysterical. And then a few days after that, I called up Becky and Sarah Beth and I said, Sarah Beth, bring over your husband's,

Courtney (24:21)
Nice. So you still had it around?

That is hot.

A giant.

Emily White (24:47)
buzzer, like we're gonna go on my front porch and just, we're gonna buzz my head. So they came over and we buzzed my head and just got rid of the rest of the hair because it's just unsightly. And then I had a buzz cut. it wasn't completely gone. But then over the course of the next week, it mostly was gone, except, you know, you don't lose all your hair. You still have like some of these little babies

Courtney (24:49)
Bring over your husband's buzzard.

They buzzed ya.

Emily White (25:11)
here and there, but they're not long. mean, it's just like little mouse fur that you get, but in addition to, yeah.

Courtney (25:11)
Right, right.

What was it like the first time

you just rubbed your own bald head? Like aside from the trauma, the cancer, it's awful. Like, was it kind of liberating? Like, yeah.

Emily White (25:26)
It was liberating and I

was like, oh, so this is what I look like bald and it wasn't bad. It did take a minute to get used to. think the hardest thing was losing most of my eyebrows and my eyelashes. So, cause those are the things that make your face pop and if you identify as a female, those you...

Courtney (25:32)
No, my gosh, Emily. Of course.

Yeah. ⁓

Yeah.

Emily White (25:51)
want to put makeup on and it helps you feel better about yourself. That's why we wear makeup and

Courtney (25:54)
Well, and

how will anyone know that you're surprised?

Emily White (25:59)
Precisely. I said to a picture of me and you drew some on, which is really hot. Chemo kills everything in your body. It kills all your healthy cells, everything else. You really just feel like shit. But one of the bonuses was I didn't have to shave my legs for six months. I mean, it got rid of.

Courtney (26:03)
That's right, I did. Anytime,

Ugh.

Emily White (26:19)
all the hair downstairs. was just like bald bare bunny bald. Yep. It was, it was really nice. So it was just

Courtney (26:21)
Really? bare Bunny in. Ooh! Ball is the day you were born. Was it smooth,

like, or was it like you'd shaved so it was a... Hmm.

Emily White (26:31)
No, it was smooth. Yeah. Yeah.

I think there were a few stragglers. Oh, I think I had a soul patch. Oh, I wrote that down in one of my diaries. It was like this. It was this. Yeah, he did. was like,

Courtney (26:41)
That's awesome. He plays the saxophone on Tuesday nights.

Yeah. Yeah. That was your vagina just now. did that.

Emily White (26:55)
That was... It's very talented. don't know why it's a he.

Courtney (26:59)
He's so talented. His

name is Flash. Yeah. Yep.

Emily White (27:08)
my aunt luckily, she stayed here for a month. So she was here for two rounds of chemo. Bless her heart. She was a godsend. We took walks almost every day. She helped me, she cleaned, we went out. It was just really nice.

Courtney (27:11)
Got Margaret, Margaret is her name. Thank you,

the social connection, think, probably was the most beneficial.

Emily White (27:27)
It did.

We really bonded. She's become one of my dear friends. And I just love and adore that woman to death. she's going to be a guest on our podcast because she's got a story too. Yeah. Yeah, we all do. Life is full of fuck. It really is.

Courtney (27:32)
Absolutely.

Margaret to the win. ⁓ I would love to.

Yeah, don't we all? love

Life is full of fuck.

Emily White (27:57)
it wasn't the plan.

Courtney (27:57)
That wasn't the plan.

Emily White (28:00)
the plan was, after Margaret left, my brother was gonna come out for two weeks and fucking help me out.

Courtney (28:06)
And fucking help me out!

Emily White (28:10)
Mm-hmm. I told him I said, don't go get COVID, And his wife being the nurse was like, James, don't go get COVID, Three days before he's scheduled to come out, I get a call from, no, I didn't even get a call, I got a text message. Said, ⁓ I got COVID, I'm sorry, I can't come out. And that was basically it.

Courtney (28:16)
Don't you do this.

Mm-mm.

Emily White (28:28)
I don't think he called and I know he felt like shit. I know that Mandy, my sister-in-law, his wife, gave him so much shit for that that I didn't even, I was like, I'm so sorry, I hope you feel better, I understand. And I did, cause it's a shitty thing. And I know he, he tends to hold it in and I know that he gave himself enough shit that I wasn't gonna be the one to be like, you dick. Cause I didn't feel that way, honestly. I was just like, all right, this is just something else that I have to now like pivot and embrace.

Courtney (28:31)
Of course, yeah.

Of course, yeah.

Yeah, of course.

Yeah. Right. Of course. Pivot!

Yeah.

Emily White (28:56)
and embrace

the suck and find somebody else to help me out. So luckily my friend Le Dawn, she was able to come and pick me up and take me to chemo that day and stay the first night. And then I think my friend Sarah Beth or Becky stayed for a couple nights and that was really nice. Cause it is the first few days after chemo that you are susceptible to getting really sick and your internal organs can, you know, basically, and that's what they like to do. So it's nice to have somebody here.

Courtney (29:05)
Hell yeah, Lenon.

melt through your butt? Yeah. That's what they like to do. We're

gonna melt out through her butt flap check it out. He's like,

Emily White (29:25)
you

so time goes on and I'm still not allowed to have anybody in the house because COVID is still out there and all of the other illnesses and whatnot. But luckily it's summertime, so I have a beautiful front porch. ⁓ I live in a very small house, but I do have this front porch. And in the summertime, turns into, my house is 10,808.

Courtney (29:42)
You do.

small house

Emily White (29:53)
No, 10,800.

Courtney (29:55)
Two billion feet, it's tiny.

Square feet.

Emily White (29:59)
Jesus, that's

a fucking mansion. No, it is not quite 1,100 square feet. So it is small. It's smaller than most apartments. Anyways, we had lovely little birthday party for myself on the front porch. My dad came out He stayed with me for two weeks. So that was interesting, spending that much time one-on-one with my dad that I haven't done since I was, I don't know, 24 when I was living at home.

Courtney (30:11)
good. Cool.

Yeah.

Right?

Emily White (30:21)
Yeah, we had a good time. he came out for the fourth round of chemo. Yeah, that's what he was here for. And then he left. And I think two days later, you came out to see me. Yeah, so I just had like enough time to clean the house a little bit, get ready for you to come out. And you came out for what, like 15 days or something? Yeah.

Courtney (30:31)
⁓ wow!

Yeah, it was

a good haul. We had a good old time.

Emily White (30:42)
Yeah,

it was lovely. And you weren't there for any chemo, but you did go to a couple appointments. One of them was my first radiation consultation, because I had to start radiation. After chemo, they give you like a month or so, or they did for me at least. Maybe it was six weeks before I started radiation. And I had to, yeah.

Courtney (30:51)
That's right.

I have to say that

place that we went that had the aquarium and it had a puffer fish in it and the puffer fish name was Gloria.

Emily White (31:05)
Yeah.

You remember that?

Courtney (31:12)
yeah, Gloria. Because she's swimming around, she's like, ⁓ my gosh. I don't know that.

Emily White (31:20)
That's right. So every time I'd go in, I'd sit right with my back to the aquarium and I'd take pictures of the aquarium and me, yeah. So then you left and I was by myself for a while and then I started radiation and as much as chemo.

Courtney (31:25)
Yeah, and with Gloria.

Emily White (31:37)
really does mess with you internally and it kills a lot of brain cells and you slowly become kind of stupid and I don't know that I've ever bounced back from that. I still am at a loss for all my words. I feel like an idiot most days.

Courtney (31:47)
seem the same to me. I'm just kidding.

Emily White (31:52)
All right, yes, actually. Yeah, pretty much. I'm like, that is a fact. I just like to use chemo as an excuse. I used to be a lot smarter.

Courtney (31:57)
Okay.

Please.

Absolutely. I use perimenopause as an excuse.

Yeah. That was so much smarter before. Well, it does a number on your brain, of course, obviously.

Emily White (32:11)
Yeah,

yeah. I go in for radiation every single day, Monday through Friday, for six weeks. they basically put you in a microwave, and then they zap you. So I'm laying there on this steel table, just topless. And you can't move.

because

my cancer is on the left side of my body and that's where your heart is. And so I have to hold my breath for like 45 seconds so they can zap me. And, cause I have all these tattoos now, radiation tattoos, cause they have to line things up perfectly just so my heart doesn't get the brunt of the radiation. And I had to go in for an echocardiogram and all this sort of stuff just to make sure my heart's okay. It was a procedure. And then I was done with radiation.

Courtney (32:37)
right.

What was?

Emily White (32:51)
that was the last of my treatment. that's when you kind of, you rub your eyes and you're like, all right, well, that was nine months of my life. Now what? And that's when the recovery starts. And that's when things get really dark. And that's when the healing begins. I wouldn't even say healing because I went to a really dark place for probably two years.

Courtney (32:54)
Wow.

Yeah.

yeah.

Emily White (33:13)
like

extremely dark. Because the whole time during cancer treatment, for me, and everybody is different, everyone has a different story to tell, I was just getting from one appointment to the next, one day to the next. I kind of knew what to expect. for the first few months after I told everybody, I had friends reaching out, helping me, offering their help and support. But by the second round of chemo, people had

basically stopped calling. You're not receiving the daily thinking of you, that sort of thing. Everyone's gone back to their lives. And so you're just kind of supporting yourself. And for anybody that's going through that alone, I understand 100%. It is tough to do it by yourself, to manage a house by yourself, especially being a freelancer. I wasn't able to work.

Courtney (33:42)
Yeah.

Emily White (34:01)
I had to go fund me, thank God, that was able to pay for my bills, my mortgage, and just food on the table. And it wasn't that much of a fund, but I am so grateful to everybody that did donate, because it kept me afloat. I don't know what I would have done. I was unable to work, because I work in production, the film industry, and when I take a job, it is 60, 70, 80 hour weeks.

Courtney (34:15)
Right.

Emily White (34:25)
I'm on my feet. It's nonstop emails. It is a very stressful job. And it's usually stressful for, on average, three weeks. that's usually the duration of a job that I'm on, unless I'm on a movie or TV show or something, which are a lot longer. But unfortunately, I couldn't work. So here I am, done with radiation.

Courtney (34:40)
you

Emily White (34:43)
And I went down to San Diego to support my friend Becky. She swam around Coronado Island. she, I know, yeah, so yay. She's such an amazing endurance swimmer. So went down there and we're standing there cheering her on. And I'm bald at this point. I had literally just had my chest port taken out two days prior to getting on the flight and going down there. So I have a.

Courtney (34:48)
Thank you, baby!

Emily White (35:04)
big bandage right here on my chest. And I'm standing there on Coronado next to the ferry line. And we're watching Becky swim around. And then other people are lining up to get on the ferry to go back to San Diego. And this woman and her daughter come up to me. And they said, is that a scar from a chest port? And I have a ball cap on. But I'm bald. Like you can tell that I have no hair.

Courtney (35:23)
Right.

Emily White (35:25)
And

I was like, yeah, I just had it taken out a couple days ago. And the daughter's like, oh, yeah, I'm like four years out. And she was young. She was, I think maybe she had, I can't even recall what kind of cancer she had had, but she was young. She was late teens, maybe early 20s, if that, we're talking, she wasn't like, yeah, yeah. No, I would say she was probably 19-ish.

Courtney (35:34)
⁓

Whoa, okay, we're talking like, pre-P.Besson Young. Not, I know.

Wow.

Emily White (35:54)
But she was like, here, should start taking biotin. Here's the shampoo that I really liked. And if you put Argon oil and I was just flooded with emotions that I can't even express. Just having random strangers come up to you and be like, I'm so sorry. I know what you went through. here's how like, here's some stuff. Here's the good stuff. Like this is what really helped me. And it was just one of those freak counters in life where I.

Courtney (36:02)
I don't

I bet.

Here's the good stuff. Yeah. Yeah.

Emily White (36:19)
Had I not been there right then and there, I would have never learned about this. I wouldn't have made this beautiful connection with this mother and daughter. And it just made me think, it gave me some light to say there is this young woman out here who's gone through hell when she was much younger than me. And she's living her life. Maybe they were down there for college or something, I'm not sure. I came home from San Diego, and I think that's when I started to fall into a dark hole.

Courtney (36:40)
So cool.

Emily White (36:45)
And that's, a story for another time. Recovery. that was kind of it. That's my cancer story. just kind of skimming the surface. I've got three of these journals that are full of, yeah, basically like how I felt things that I had said, things that people had done for me, things I liked, things I hated.

Courtney (36:57)
Dear diary

Yeah.

Emily White (37:06)
So feel free to ask me anything.

Courtney (37:09)
What's the, you have to pick one. What was the worst thing about cancer in one sentence?

Emily White (37:16)
the recovery. Because you want to know why? Yeah. Everyone preps you for your surgeries, your chemo, your radiation. They tell you what you can and can't eat. They tell you what to do, what not to do. Once you're done, people forget about you. There is no consultation for, you're done with this. You still have all these toxins in your body. Your body has been through hell.

Courtney (37:18)
Okay. Well... Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Emily White (37:40)
Your mind isn't right because it's killed a bunch of brain cells too. Your body's been radiated. You've been in a microwave. You've gone through this trauma that you haven't even processed. they, bye nothing, nothing. is no, mean, there are support groups out there thanks to you. I got into one, but there's nothing that your insurance or your doctors or anybody will do. Nobody's having that conversation about

Courtney (37:49)
Now you're done, bye.

Emily White (38:05)
recovery and it is way harder than the treatments because every single day you're like what am I supposed to do? Who am I? I am a different person.

Courtney (38:09)
yeah, ⁓ yeah.

Yeah, it's a death. It's a loss.

Emily White (38:17)
It's

a death, it's a loss. You know, I kept saying that cancer came to me for a reason. And that reason was to teach me to wake up. I was living a life that wasn't healthy for me. I was working around the clock. I've always been healthy. I ate well, I exercised near daily. I took care of what I thought I took care of myself, but I was drinking too. I was drinking way more than I should be.

And it just, that was a coping mechanism to deal with the stress of my job. You you put that kind of stress on somebody and you know, doing it all alone too, I keep coming back to that. But life is hard to do by yourself. That's why, you know, we were supposed to live in these communities, these clans, these tribes, whatever you want to call it, villages, because we're not meant to be alone, but I had isolated myself enough. I had thought, you know, here I am, the strong independent woman, and then we go into COVID, quarantine, and I was like,

Courtney (38:43)
Absolutely.

Period. Yeah.

Hmm?

Emily White (39:09)
It's fine, it's great. But right when we were coming out of quarantine and I was starting to date again or feel good about myself, I get cancer and then you can't see anybody, you can't do anything. So back into quarantine for another, at least a year.

Courtney (39:18)
Yeah.

ask time. How long did you go without having

sexual intercourse.

Emily White (39:28)
intimate relations

during after cancer.

Courtney (39:32)
during and after.

Has it happened yet, Emily? 20 years?

Emily White (39:35)
⁓ How many fingers and toes do I have?

I'm a virgin It was a while. it was a couple of years. I think I signed up for a dating app

Courtney (39:45)
You look good. Yeah.

Emily White (39:53)
Shortly after, I forget which one, maybe Bumble or something, no. That's way old, although I did have success on there. I did sign up for a dating app when I was still bald, like my hair had started to regrow. This was in the new year after, so it had been about a year after I was diagnosed. And I was like, all right, well, some guys will find it cute. No. No.

Courtney (39:54)
Which one? OkCupid? Bumble, yeah. OkCupid is like way old. Yeah, I'm showing my age.

Hell yeah.

Absolutely.

Emily White (40:15)
So I, and that's, I think

Courtney (40:15)
What the fuck?

Emily White (40:17)
I was on for like a month and then I was realized that no, that's not happening.

Courtney (40:21)
Can we go over the pictures you were using as your profile pictures? Because I think we could maybe... We'll dig into that on another episode.

Emily White (40:24)
⁓ And

that's kind of when I realized I was like, actually, I'm in no position to be dating anybody. I can barely take care of myself. I, who am I kidding?

Courtney (40:35)
Yeah,

but it's a way to tap out to kind of just like do something else.

Emily White (40:37)
Yeah. And I

was like, I need to work on myself right now. I need to figure out who this new person is because, you know, I'm this little worm. I was just worming my way through life. And then I built myself this chrysalis of cancer. And I'm trying to come out as a butterfly, but I'm not quite there yet. Even to this day, I feel like I'm finally getting there, but I'm not quite there yet. That's right.

Courtney (40:51)
Yes. Ooh.

Yeah, it's like you're a mosquito hawk.

Emily White (41:02)
So yeah, sorry, that was a very long winded answer to your question. What was the hardest thing? It was recovery.

Courtney (41:07)
Well, it has to be. Yeah. What was

the best thing?

Emily White (41:11)
I'd say the best thing was, yeah, losing the bush. having friends either come back into my life that I hadn't spoken to in years, and then also having friends leave my life that I was holding onto for whatever reason that you realize are not serving you anymore and just to...

Courtney (41:13)
The bald bunny.

Which is so nice.

I do. Yeah.

Emily White (41:31)
which is to say, bye bye.

Wish you all the best of luck. If our paths cross again, I will say hello, but you are not meant to be in my life anymore. And I am.

Courtney (41:40)
So long, farewell,

auf wiedersehen saying goodbye. Yeah.

Emily White (41:44)
Precisely. It was amazing.

I feel like you and I reconnected. I reconnected with my aunt, a few other people. It was...

Courtney (41:48)
For sure.

some time

with your daddy, or you're just your dad.

Emily White (41:54)
Yeah, yeah,

my dad.

Courtney (41:58)
Yeah, just the dad. D-A-D.

Emily White (42:00)
yeah, that was, I think, the best thing.

Courtney (42:03)
That's so cool. mean, really, like.

Wow. Wowzers. And look at you now. Look at you. Shining like a harlot.

Emily White (42:06)
Yeah. ⁓

Well, mean, we can have another conversation about this. is, I think, an episode that I do want to read some of the stuff that I wrote. There's some funny shit in here too. Yeah.

Courtney (42:20)
I bet there is. Because

you've got that, freaking dark humor that I love. We sent a video, I don't know if you remember, you and I were in the car and I sent a video to a friend of mine and you're bald and we're just singing to Peaches fuck the pain away. Fuck the pain away. And we're just looking into the camera. I was like, God, we're so awesome. I love you have no hair and you're like, fuck the pain.

Emily White (42:24)
Yeah.

get song.

Courtney (42:47)
I'm still in shock that like people that that I would I really want to revisit the dating apps because I'd like to we should just discuss our experience on dating apps because I I love to hear it.

Emily White (42:56)
Let's do it, yep. I

mean, we have to embrace that suck too, because it wasn't the plan. I had always wanted my entire life to find somebody organically, see that guy and be like, there's my guy, or just talk to somebody at a bar and be like, my God. I mean, I don't go to bars anymore because I'm of a certain age and that's not how you meet people anymore, or is it? People, let me know. Do we still go to bars and meet people?

Courtney (43:01)
my gosh.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's not yet. How? Yeah, I think

they do. I think they do.

Emily White (43:22)
It may be in bigger cities. I know when I lived in LA or when I still go to LA, New York yeah, we go to bars and hang out. And so yeah, people.

Courtney (43:24)
sure.

For sure. Yeah. I see people at bars

and they're, you know, doing the thing. And so I'm sure that is still a viable way, but

Emily White (43:33)
Yeah.

Yeah,

I guess it's not something I do much anymore, because all my friends are partnered up and they don't go out. And I'm old. I like to be in bed by nine. So yeah, anyway. It's my favorite thing in the world. In the Twilight books, she's like.

Courtney (43:47)
Amen, sister. my God, I love bed. I wake up looking forward to bed.

Yes, let's do this. Go into Twilight.

Emily White (43:58)
Yeah, real quick. And she's like,

you don't have a bed in your bedroom. And he's like, because we don't sleep. And I'm like, man, I could never be a vampire. Going to bed is my favorite thing in the world.

Courtney (44:04)
No, man. It's so

great. I love waking up, having my coffee, and being like, In very many hours, I will be able to get back into the bed and read my book or, you know. ⁓ my gosh.

Emily White (44:16)
Yeah, I know. I'm like just getting all snuggly with my book. It's so good.

Anyhow, that's it.

Courtney (44:23)
Yeah, that certainly wasn't your plan because when we met, your plan was were you doing culinary stuff? We were both working at the Electric Lotus Indian restaurant in Los Angeles.

Emily White (44:33)
Yeah, yeah,

we were. I was 25, I think, when we met. I had just moved to LA. I had grand ambitions to be the next, let's just say, host on the f— Yep, that's it. I was gonna get a titty job. She is adorable. I love that woman. ⁓

Courtney (44:45)
Pamela Anderson. I remember. Isn't she I mean, I was thinking Barb Wire

period of time, but now, gosh, she is. How cool is that? We need more idols like that. Frickin', yeah, her chris. Yeah, phenomenal.

Emily White (44:58)
She's, mean, talk about a butterfly coming out of her chrysalis. Yeah, I love her. ⁓ She

is just, yeah, so special, such a special individual. We did. And we hit it off, as

Courtney (45:09)
But yeah, we encountered each other at the Electric Lotus. Both of us were servers. We did. I knew,

you were nice to me. You were one of the only people that were really friendly to me when I got there. And I was new to LA, so I still had that, friendships. Everyone will want to be my friend. I'm friendly and I'm lovely. And there were some...

Emily White (45:20)
No.

I thought I had been beaten

down by them by the time we met. Yeah.

Courtney (45:33)
You did, you had an edge.

Like you for sure had a little bit of a protective barrier, which I think is what a lot of people walk around that city with. And I just remember really needing connection because I pretty much knew I didn't want to live in Los Angeles. The morning I woke up after moving there and then it was just a struggle.

Emily White (45:41)
Yeah.

Courtney (45:51)
you had that roommate that painted the walls pink, but it had like a bow so it looked like a present.

Emily White (45:59)
yep. And we had green shag carpet and a white leather couch. It was Pepto Bismol pink. Yep, he gave himself coffee enemas in the shower. And he would also slather himself into the Trader Joe's olive oil and then shave himself free of any body hair in the bathroom and leave clippings.

Courtney (45:58)
Yeah, he was phenomenal doing the coffee enemas.

That's right. Which was pretty dope. Yeah, but it was dope.

Who doesn't?

Emily White (46:22)
all over let me tell you, I could not wait to live with a gay guy, because was like, gay guys are so clean, I love clean. He was the dirtiest motherfucker I've ever encountered in my life, and I could not wait not to be his roommate anymore. It was disgusting, I had to write him a note, and I said, dear blank, I'll leave his name out, please, when you're done with your coffee enema, don't leave it hanging in the shower, and clean up.

Courtney (46:22)
he was in a rush.

Wow. Yeah.

What, what,

what does he leave hanging in the shower?

Emily White (46:46)
the enema, the douchebag that you put the coffee in and then you put it up your, yeah, he'd leave it hanging in the shower and then I'd be like, and please clean up the hair trimmings on the floor. It just, just gross. It was just gross. He did. And that ended our friendly, ⁓ I mean, I don't know how hostile it was,

Courtney (46:59)
What was his response? Did he do it? ⁓

Because you left him a hostile note. ⁓

Emily White (47:10)
It was a note instead of me saying something just because I difficulty. I still do, having conversations with people. So it is hard. Yeah, that's how we met. But we did hit it off right away.

Courtney (47:15)
Confrontation. Yeah, it's hard.

I remember it was Elijah's birthday. He was my partner at the time We'd moved to Los Angeles together and I wanted to cook him make him bake him pink cupcakes Because he looked pink food and so you said you'd Let me do it at your kitchen. So I remember walking I walked from Vermont like Los Feliz all the way to your house and I remember that walk and it was far and I was sweating and we were gonna bake the

cupcakes and then we were both gonna go to work and you had a car so because that's before we had a car. Crazy!

Emily White (47:50)
crazy times. We'll talk about our LA days on another

Courtney (47:51)
Wow, we will.

it's fun because, I don't have anyone to talk about it with. You don't get to talk about it. Like nobody cares. you know, and I, I'm excited to get into that madness. Cause it was, what a silly place. What a silly girl. Yeah. I can't even imagine, but it was not my town.

Emily White (47:58)
I know.

It was fun. Back then, it was totally silly. has completely changed. Yeah.

Courtney (48:15)
And I was like, but I'm gonna still live here for a long time. Yeah. It was a total of eight for me, but it was peppered with trips home and lighting my life on fire and watching it

Emily White (48:17)
Yeah, I was there I think almost 12 years. Yeah. ⁓

Okay, split up.

Courtney (48:29)
I'm really, grateful to hear the full story, because I, no, of course, of course, but to get the timeline.

Emily White (48:34)
I mean, I left a lot out.

That was the timeline. ⁓

Courtney (48:42)
And I can imagine

that people that have been diagnosed with cancer have experienced it will love to hear just someone else's process of it. you know, cause I tell you the support you find with people is with connection and understanding of, what you've been through. That is, that's what life is about I find. So.

Emily White (48:58)
Yeah, yeah.

And I just want to quickly say that had it not been for you, I think recovery would have been that much more difficult. You were the one who, when you were out here, you saw that I was struggling. And you signed me up for a support group. No one had ever mentioned to do that or just done it. You didn't even ask. You just did it. yeah.

Courtney (49:16)
Yeah.

I'm like, you're gonna do this and you're

gonna like it.

Emily White (49:25)
Well, that is the best

thing. if we can go back to the helpers, if you know somebody that's going through something, reach out to them and say, I'm here for you. Don't ask them, what do you need? How are you feeling right now? Because 90 % of the time, 99 % of the time, they're not going to know. They're going to be agitated, irritated, scared.

Courtney (49:40)
Yeah.

Emily White (49:48)
tired, fatigued, whatever it is. So for me, I found the helpers that would just say what they were gonna do and then follow through and do it. I had one dear friend, LeDawn, who said, hey, are you home? I'm coming over with my vacuum. You don't even have to acknowledge me. She'd show up with her Dyson, come in for 20 minutes, vacuum my house and leave. Yeah.

Courtney (49:56)
Just do it.

Le Dawn LeDawn

Emily White (50:14)
And then

other times she would just say, are you home? I'm dropping soup off. Or other friends that would say, are you home? I'm dropping food off. If you're not, I'll put a cooler on your front porch. Just people to show up and just do, just do, or other people being like, I've hired help to come and mow your front lawn. They're taking care of it for four months. You don't have to do a thing. it's just amazing. That was my friend Darcy.

Courtney (50:17)
I love that.

do, just do it. Yeah.

Hell

Hell yeah, Darcy.

Emily White (50:41)
I

can't say loud enough, just do. And if you're afraid, then also don't take things personally. If the friend you're trying to help lashes out at you or doesn't acknowledge a text or a phone call or this or that, do not take it personally. It's not you. Just stop asking how are you? And rephrase your questioning

Courtney (50:54)
Just keep coming.

do something. Yeah.

Emily White (51:04)
make it actionable and just do

and drop off groceries and the best type of food to deliver are shelf stable frozen foods. And you know, as much as everyone, yes, yes, absolutely caviar too. Champagne, yeah, yes. But ⁓ yeah, I found that everyone knows I love potato chips. So they got me all kinds of potato chips, but honestly, it.

Courtney (51:11)
Mm-hmm and filet mignon and lobster

and caviar, champagne, my God, Tito's vodka.

Emily White (51:31)
was not the best thing for me because then I had a house full of potato chips and I should not be eating that. So also be mindful of.

Courtney (51:37)
But that's

on you. You gotta throw those potato chips away. Bring the potato chips. Do what you got. Just do it.

Emily White (51:42)
Yeah, but that's not how

I was raised. We were raised in a family where you do not throw things away or waste. So, and then I had somebody, and I don't even know who the fuck it was, but they had the audacity to buy me unsalted kettle potato chips. Who buys unsalted chips?

Courtney (51:58)
I do. I hate super salty chips. Yeah. They taste delicious to me with them.

Emily White (52:02)
Maybe it was you.

Oh, ew. Unsalted chips,

Courtney (52:09)
That's what you get!

yeah, I don't like salty, too salty like capers, olives, I don't like anything that's got that much I'm better than you, because I don't like salt.

Emily White (52:19)
all right, well, thought, guess you are,

I'm so sorry for saying that. I really thought that shame on the companies for making that unsalted chip, but I guess people like them.

Courtney (52:28)
boy, now you're shaming.

We're like, do the things, help out, go for it. And she's like, don't buy potato chips. Don't do the salted thing. You might as well burn in hell if you're not getting salt on your chips, bitch.

Emily White (52:42)
Alright, nevermind, I'm sorry. I take all that back. I apologize to you, Courtney. It was probably you. You probably left him here. And I was like, now I have to eat these unsalted chips.

Courtney (52:45)
Yeah. You stupid. Thank you. It wasn't.

No, think I bought those Trader Joe popcorn that I could not get enough of and now I've not yet been able to find them again.

Emily White (53:03)
Which, ⁓ was it the cheddar one? I'm gonna send you some of that.

Courtney (53:04)
Yeah,

I've looked at the Trader Joe's here. We don't have them.

Emily White (53:09)
well that's an East Coast, West Coast thing. I'll buy you some. I'm gonna send you a care package. All for doing this podcast with me.

Courtney (53:11)
I guess.

⁓

well the pleasure is all mine, you sparkly angel. I'm so glad you didn't die from cancer. Yay! It's really, so are linings.

Emily White (53:21)
Alright. Aww. Thanks! Me too!

It is

silver linings. I'm still here. We're making this happen. It's growing in.

Courtney (53:31)
And look at your hair is amazing, but I'm telling you,

I've never met a bald woman that was more beautiful than you. And also, you just, your hair is a side note of your face. You know I mean? And I feel like, like for me, my hair is kind of like, now I'm doing this adorable thing.

Emily White (53:50)
I like your fringe,

it's hot. It's real cute.

Courtney (53:52)
I mean, it's something.

It's certainly something. But, you know, the long dark hair has always been my thing. So if you shaved my head, which Jonathan has asked seriously, he would love me to shave my head. And I'm like, I would do it, but maybe no, I don't think so. Because then you have to go through all the stages of short and some of them would be cute. But yeah, you tell me.

Emily White (54:11)
And let, yeah, that's another conversation.

my God, growing your hair back out is the worst thing in the world, especially after cancer.

Courtney (54:18)
We'll need to put together,

if you'll send me the photos of the evolution, I'll put it to music and make a little video of like you're losing your hair and then bring it back and then.

Emily White (54:28)
I'll do that. And then I'll give you the login information for our Instagram and our TikTok. And girl, you can feel free to upload as you like.

Courtney (54:34)
⁓

last words. we got kicked off a TikTok, my bad. Oopsie daisies. Whoops, my bad.

Emily White (54:45)
Oh, well, we tried.

You can find us on, let's see. Yeah, the wanted ads.

Courtney (54:50)
Yeah, your local newspaper. Classifieds.

Yeah, what is that even called? The class? What is the classifieds? Is that? Is it? Is that the one? that's classified.

Emily White (54:59)
The classifieds. The wanted? I was like thinking most wanted. You can find us on the FBI's

10 most wanted list.

Courtney (55:08)
What am I thinking of? Classified? That's classified.

Emily White (55:12)
It is the classifieds. Yeah.

Courtney (55:14)
Is it?

Okay, so I'm not, so when something is, I'm sorry, that's classified.

Emily White (55:18)
It's a different meaning. Yeah. English language.

Courtney (55:20)
Okay, so there are two, okay, whoa. Words are weird. Especially

when you start saying it over and over again and you're like classifieds or welcome. That's a weird one.

Emily White (55:30)
Yeah, I know. I had to remember how to spell red the other day.

I was like, the color. And I'm like, READ? No, no, no, that's not right. And then I'm like, is that chemo brain or menopause brain? Anyway. Yeah.

Courtney (55:39)
Yeah.

No. Rad?

Right? There's no telling.

Am I just stupid or is it perimenopause?

if the teenagers I live with. They'll be like, she's fucking dumb. We should have an episode where we make them be in the thing for a second. Wow, you had to process that real quick. like, yeah, mine cause we work in an office together, his business.

Emily White (55:51)
Yeah, I now ask my boyfriend.

⁓ baby.

Courtney (56:11)
This side, it's one big long desk. It's pretty cute. So then we can hold hands while we work. Just kidding. We don't. Don't do that shit. Anyway, another episode. But yay! I think it went well.

Emily White (56:17)
⁓ how sweet.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah,

well, I just want to say thanks to everybody for listening in, downloading this episode and tune back in for the next one. Until then Courtney, you got any other questions, comments?

Courtney (56:29)
Yeah. Thank you.

⁓ gosh. I'm trying to think of something good, but the perimenopause is like, no. God, what a good ending. That wasn't the plan.

Emily White (56:41)
Alrighty, girl.

Alright everyone, that wasn't

the plan and we will talk to you next week. K bye.

Courtney (56:52)
Yes indeed. Bye.